Seraph (perishingangel) wrote, @ 2005-08-28 20:02:00

Current mood:	blank
Current music:	Nick Cave- Into my Arms

I crave companionship, as of late.

I don't know...I just want a bit of indulgence...I'd like my fantasy life to live a little outside of my head, provided I'm given the access to someone elses headspace over which fantasies can be shared and brought to consciousness and understanding and smiling and whatnot...and all that sort of thing.

You see, as of late, it seems some of my closer friends have obtained lives and whatnot, and I drop in priority, and I suppose it's better for them to have friends near them, off the internet, and physical contacts and all...and I know I should be happy, and undemanding as always...

Tis the role of an Angela...being such a little sister type at all times...I must simply fade into the background, allow those I care about to enjoy life, and never to exert my own will, express my feelings of inadequacy...because it would be wrong to cause those I care about to feel guilt or pain at all on my behalf...even if justified...

But, don't all parties in a relationship deserve to have their needs met fairly and willingly? Isn't it wrong to only take and take and never give? Or in my case, to give and give and never ask for what you'd want or need, and let yourself be used? It's happened to me before...and the second I don't deliver all fantabulous services, my cohorts will lash out at me, angry and disappointed...I hate that moment with a smoldering passion.

And the more I think about myself, and all of my fucked up quirks, the little fantasies that make me smile, that make everyone else cringe in disgust, among other things...the more I wonder why anyone would bother to keep me. My inner mind: a bete noire, an anathema.

And so that is the reason I'm so closed off. If you knew me completely, would you still want to keep me? Fear. I live to serve those I love...to seek approval...if this approval diminished, I would ache.

But it finally returned. Last night.

Since I got back from the trip, I had been vulnerable...I cried so much...I felt pain sincerely...I felt all emotions sincerely...deeply. I was affected by things around me, rather than self-contained and apathetic. I was affected by things inside me, rather than logical and cold. And I was crying, dying of emotion to a degree I hadn't felt in so long. Aching, wondering what was wrong with me...but...what happened was things were finally able to touch me again...and I had felt emotion, rather than logical processing.

But last night..I'm not quite sure exactly when...the apathy returned. And I had found someone to talk to, someone to care, someone who wouldn't be judgemental, but...at that point, I no longer could feel. And all of my emotionality, looking back, seems so wasteful, so pointless, but I KNOW I felt it, and I know it was real...I've just become overcome by that numbness again, unaffected by anything, and it's just as scary in a way...I was so angry, so wrathful at myself for emoting, asking again and again, what's wrong with me...

But now, I wonder if the coldness is worse. If I was better off feeling pain. And joy. And comfort. And real longing. Here is just emptiness. Blank, neither pain nor pleasure. But lonely. I try to console myself with happy thoughts, and it's ineffective. I try to hurt myself with self-loathing, but it doesn't even touch me.

No longer vulnerable. But...was I better off in the other place? If so...how can I get back there?

	the__seeker 2005-08-29 08:08 (link)
	fire purges all (Reply to this) (Thread)

	(Anonymous) 2005-08-29 11:45 (link)
	I'm keeping you. o.o Also, don't be afraid to ask things of me.... If i whine, slap me. You could eat me toa bloody pulp and i'd still be "mine!" ~Steve (Reply to this) (Thread)