Create Journals
Update Journals

Journals
Find Users
Random

Read
Search
Create New

Communities
Latest News
How to Use

Support
Privacy
T.O.S.

Legal
Username:
Password:

Anna Banana is such a dumb nickname (stillnotqueen) wrote in penandpaper,
@ 2003-10-20 19:48:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Add to Topic Directory  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry

    Current mood: amused

    Hi, it is Anna, and I am joining Rachel's awesome community. I don't write that much anymore, because I am lacking the time and the inspiration, but I did write this poem a while back. I'm not too fond of it, but any CC would be cool. :D


    Looked at the world today
    To see what I could see
    Instead of black and white
    Everything was shades of gray to me
    The world ain't what it used to be
    As it seems to me
    Friends are ruthless cut throat sharks
    Nothing is as it should be

    Why the hell happened to the world?
    And what the hell happened to me?
    Why does every one act like this?
    And why isn't anything as it should be?

    I've lost the innocence
    The sweetness of a child
    And I don't know what to do
    In this big world that seems so wild
    I can't see the love
    Which I used to hold above all
    The adults who used to tower above me
    Now they seem petty and small

    What the hell happened to the world?
    And what the hell happened to me?
    Why does everyone act like this?
    And why isn't anything as it should be?



(Post a new comment)


queenrachel
2003-10-20 22:18 (link)
Oh I like that a lot! It sounds kinda like a song. ;) I especially like the third stanza... and I can definitely relate to this poem, so that adds a lot to it. If I'm gonna be constructive, some punctuation might help.. just a few commas to tell us where to pause and such.

Nice job!

(Reply to this) (Thread)


frizzhead
2003-10-21 11:32 (link)
Hmm...it does sound like a song. Very nice!! Hee.

As for CC...hmm. Rachel's right, you could put in some punctuation.

And also...I mean, it isn't necessary or anything, but it might make the poem flow better if you made the rhyming stanzas have the same amount of syllables.

Ex: I've lost the innocence
The sweetness of a child
And I don't know what to do
This big world seems so wild



*shrub* I actually like it better the way you had it. So don't listen to me. Heh. ;)

(Reply to this) (Thread)


xthis_heart
2005-01-02 14:30 (link)
I agree, It does sound like a song. It's beautiful. Great job. I hope you can find the time to write some more.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


(Post a new comment)

© 2002-2008. Blurty Journal. All rights reserved.