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Dusk and her embrace (paprdollhart666) wrote,
@ 2004-08-30 21:41:00
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    Current mood: scared
    Current music:bush x greedy fly

    supposedly, i dont smoke anymore.

    me and my mom were at marks and i was kinda.. i dunno, making myself have a panic attack. i could hardly breathe so i had to sit down. and i needed a cigarette so bad because i just had too many things on my mind. so we were outside the store and my mom was checking the reciept to make sure it wass right... shes paranoid and perfect like that. and i was sittin on the curb cryin when i realized i had absolutely no cigarettes at home. so i started crying even more. then we were walking back into marks because they charged us extra on something stupid. and i said 'wanna do me a favor?' and she says 'what?' and i said 'buy me some marlboros.' so she goes out-of-her-mind ballistic and start yelling 'i will NEVER buy cigarettes for you.' which pisses me off a ton because when she new aaron and jordan were smokin weed all the time she didnt do anything about it. so the whole way home shes putting words in my mouth and hammering me with questions. and she goes 'well who the hell smokes of your friends?' and i said i wouldnt tell her because shed look at them differently... and she says 'well i know one of em's gotta be rachel.'

    so I went ballistic. she keeps judging me. but i will never ever let her judge any of my friends, especially rachel who is like family to me. and i told her that rachel doesnt smoke and she doesnt want me to. rachel, im so sorry. my mom is a bitch. THE bitch. i will never forget the fact that she automatically assumed and accused you of smoking.

    anyways, so i went back in my room and i was just sitting there for a while. then she came in. and she starts talking to me. i dont even remember what it was about. i wasnt listening much. and i had a blanket on me cuz i was cold. and then i pulled one arm outta it and put it behind my head. and she goes 'you dont have to hide your arm from me, i know you cut yourself again.'

    which i didnt. i could kill her for making assumptions like that that really hurt. and whenever she finds out i did cut, she starts talking to my shrink when im in the room and always says 'she got all stressed out and cut herself again.' i hate it. i cant stand it. she knows nothing about why ive cut in the past.

    and she blames every little 'bad' emotion i have on my meds. so today she said 'well is the reason youre so miserable because of these meds? are they making you feel weird?'. so i said 'no, it doesnt ave anything to do with my meds. so you can throw away that theory and move on to the next one, which just happens to be "i have a psychotic daughter with a fucked up head".'

    and i really really need a cigarette right now.

    she also said she was gonna tell melani. so i just started completly having a panic attack. because i love melani so much. more than anything. and shes always told me to never ever start smoking. and im so scared that her feelings towards me will change.

    -sigh-

    so today was the first day of school. of 8th grade, might i add.

    my schedule, if anyone cares. if you have any classes with me, leave a comment and tell me which ones.

    algebra I
    computer (aka-the clas where we do absolutely nothing but sit and breathe.)
    history
    lunch
    homeroom
    intervention
    language arts
    science

    i think thats it.... yep, 8 periods.

    i like all my teachers. except craig. shes a loony crackhead. i told my dad that and he just looked at me kinda funny. and said 'why do you assume that?'. and i told him about how brett knocked u buncha shit off his desk and i startes laughing. then craig stares at me for like 3 minutes. and all of sudden she comes back to life and says 'oh! did you need to get your agenda?' and i was just confused so i said what? and she just looks at the rest of the class and says 'copy that down', and points at the board.

    i looked like i was stoned today. my eyes were so incredibly bloodshot and i dunno why. i went up to carla and said dude look at my eyes... and she did and then yells out "are you high??". and everybody started laughing and giving me funny looks. dammit. lol. i dont care.

    so im about to go watch 'the passion of the chrizzle'. or so says jesse. he actually bought the dvd and crossed out the word christ on the front cover, and replaced it with chrizzle. lol. i love that kid.

    so, byebye. im gonna try and update tomorrow morning from school, but i dont think itll let me go to blurty. me and ariel were laughing and saying that the gayass 'bess' thing would block it and it would say because of pornography. lol, i wouldnt be surprised.

    i remember last year woost printed porn in the library. lol. how gay.

    dammit. i need to shut the fuck up.

    BYE.



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