Validation by Beauty
Somehow, I can't even think of what to say, I lived the whole day in a bleary cloud. I think the basic theme of today was how beauty validates females. And therefore on days such as today, when I can perceive no a shred of it in my being, I feel unworthy and miserable. It shouldn't be this way and I know it. The forces at play have just been too long engaged to change. And yet I want to, I long to. The ironic thing I have also realized is that most people upon observing my being would think me just off kilter because I am by no means unpleasing to the eye, at least the eye of a good number of men. And I know it because they make it no mystery. Why if the beauty that people recoginize is only skin deep that I could possibly think it would fulfill the void? But then it porbably has nothing to do with the void itself but the reactions of others that would fill it. But then, people have never mangaed to fill my void and yet I keep turning to them in hope of fingding what I'm looking for. They are a disappointment almost always, just as I seem to be much of the time to myself. Perhaps if I had more faith in myself I would be able to have more faith in people. You know, I was in the book store today. I love book stores. But today even the book store couldn't please me. I wandered around looking for an answer, inspiration. All I could focus on was how perfectly edible Carmen Electra looked on the cover of Stuff magazine and how if I was a man, I would want nothing less. How after seeing that that could an man desire me? Could anyone desire me? Maybe because I'm obsessed with my own vision of perfection that I expect everyone else to want that too.
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