colton died last friday
just going to keep it fairly short here but he ended up drowning in some water on the north fork of the boise river found face down in a log jam
it's been a hard weekend so far being around family and such and having all of us crying
so yeah most of the time I spent hiding in my room dealing with this on my own or with sara around me
but will get back to this later being not really wanting to talk about it too much right now
one thing that also sucked this weekend was talking to matt
he called me on friday telling me he wanted to hang out with me and that he would call me when melissa left
well guess she never did so he never called me
ended up she stayed and when I asked him about it he ended up telling me he had no ride
well he ended up telling me first he had no ride. well he got to the lake without her and if nothing else he should have known that he could have called me and I would have picked him up
then he started telling me well that is just how things happened
he didn't even call me the next day after he stood me up either
all he had to say was well yeah guess I should have called
another nice little thing
told him about how colton died and he said he was sorry and such
then soon after well melissa is here guess I should go now
all I have to say is NICE FRIENDSHIP.
not trying to play feel sorry for me
but you know I could really use my friends right now.
and he is the one afraid of me giving him the me or melissa choice.
why should I give him that choice? it seems he already made it
not really trying to pull a feel sorry for me but if you are not going to be there for one of your friends in a time of need (unlike the rest of my friends who HAVE BEEN THERE) and instead choose to be around someone who lies and cheated on you..... then I really see where I sit
I mean it's really nice looking back on things
he has told me many times how he can't stay out or go out because his family will get mad at him
now I find out with scott and melissa he just leaves for a few days and doesn't show up
he has told me many times he can't leave today because of the same thing
and while I am at his house melissa shows up so what does he do with her.... LEAVE
gee I would call that an obvious lie
oh yeah the how he would always be there for me as a friend if I needed one.... could have used one when I called but you know the "oh melissa is here I should prolly leave now" yeah that hurts and I guess unlike what he says that lying, cheating, hurtfull person does really mean more to him then I do by a lot.
so much for the friend in need thing
so I guess I should take this as one of those *hint hint* situations where this time I prolly should listen
and once again with this I will get back to it a little later being I'm tired and really not too happy right now
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first of all i wanted to get off the phone because i was using scotts and he had like 45 nins left on it before he got stuck with $3 per minute or some crap like that. and yes, i did want to get off the phon ebecause she was there, but just because i know how much you hate her and you always seem to get a cobb in the ass whenever i mention the name. and about not calling you back, you of all people shopuld know that i am not good at calling people and delivering messages and the such. don't take it personal, that is just how i am.|
and i haven't chosen one of you over the other. i'm sorry if you feel that way. i have told you time and time aagain thta i have room in my life for the both of you, because i want to have the both of you in it.
as far as lieing and cheating, yes, she did do those things, she did hurt me and fuck me over, but the friend part of me lets me forvige those things. yeah. people do things that piss you off, people do things that hurt you, but what kind of pathetic life is it if you find yourself holing grudges about it forever? life is waaaay too fuckin short to be pissed at someone till the end of time. you remember when you neded a ride to work and she was the only ride you had? you had a lot of "she is so bad's" and a lot of "man she is fucking you over's" but she sure as hell wasn't too bad of a person to give you a ride when you needed it. that is a little two faced and a little bit of bullshit, but i got over it because i don't want to carry a grudge about it, that is why i never brought it up untill now, because i haven't really cared about it.
ghranted, that wasn't near as bad as what she did to me, but the moral of the story still rests, because you are my friend i puilled the cobb out of my ass about it and put it in the past.
and as far as me not wanting to ever do anything with you, you don't seem all that inclined to want to do anything anyhow. i remember a little speach (from an un named person) about how i am a dud friend because all i want to do is spend my time with melissa and how this friend never got to see me and just me... strange he practices the same thing now a day. but i never held thaagainst him because of one reason... HE IS HUMAN AND FUCKS UP JUST LIKE ME!
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again, i am such a bad guy, because i aledgedly choose a bad person over you. i am not too bad to park your car in my yard when you needed it. i am not too bad of a person to take a few magazines from when i left my parents house... again, i fuckin got over it.
i want to hang out with you, i want to have you in my life i don't want to just you fade away into the proverbial sunset of my life. but *YOU* always seem to haev something WAAAAAAY more important to do whenever i call too... you're just as guilty.
granted, you probably haven't done as many shitty things to me as i have done to you. i will admit that. but you aren't the perfect little angel/victim here. the moral of the story here is that it seems so easy to put someone else under the microscope, and pick them apart for their weaknesses, and in the process forget their own humanity. and then go and hold a grudge about what someone else does for weeks and months.
and as far as me choosing to be with melissa, that really is my buisness, and her buisness - period. it really is between the two of us. i appriciate the fact that you care, i really do. but getting butthurt over who i choose to be with really isn't your place. do i ever pry into your relationship with your girlfriend? if she ever did the same thing to you all i would really do is say that it was a fucked upo thing to do, i would be upset with her because she fucked over a good friend of mine, and in the event that you chose to go back i would tell you that it may not be wise and i would wish you the best of luck.
you know, i try to call you whenever i can, you are usually at work, so i just call sara. i can't exactly go to your house as i have no way to get there. i tried to relay the message to you as to where i live, you could stop by.
i want to keep you in my life, and i want to salvage what there is left of thi srelationship. but the rest is up to you. if you don't want to, then that is your choice. i have absolutely no reason to say that i want to end it, you ar ethe one that seems to want to end it, so you choose.
you know where i live, you know my e-mail adress, you make the call.
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i guess i partially appoligise for my tone and the such, many of the things i said still stand. and if you think that she means more to me that you do then that is your opinion, but *I* am the one who knows how i feel better than anyone else, or at least i would think. and as far as not being there when you needed me, i really don't know where to begin... i was pretty much under the impression that you didn't really want anything else to do with me anyhow. i'm sorry that you feel so jaded, that really is all i can say about that. and maybe some of the reason that i don't talk to you all that much any more is because all you want to talk about is how much of a fuck up my girlfriend is.|
and as far as not leaving, or going out and staying late, that is why i moved, my parents got tired of it.
i'm not pissed at you, just a little dissapointed that i had to find out how you really felt by reading it online. people do things that suck, people do things that will piss you off. but they don't always (or usually) do it just to hurt you, or to be a dick.
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matt I really don't know what to say|
and yes I know I am guilty of going about hanging out with sara and not being around you as much
but you know part of that comes from it's almost impossible to go and spend time with you and just you.
and when she is around most of the time it ends up being you and her with eyore sitting in the back. you even said yourself that you forgot I was with you guys before so what kind of fun is that to hang out with your friend with that situation?
as far as melissa you came to me and pulled me into it. I'm sorry matt that I care enough about you I try to voice what I feel.
also you want the mags back take it matt I honestly don't even really want them that much. came to pick up my tv and ted and leanna just started saying here take them.
as far as calling me yes I work. don't leave till 1:10-1:50 that leaves enough time to get ahold of me
and I don't really remember where you live other then somewhere behind jacks drive in.
but I'm going to quit ranting on and say that the part that hurts the most is it is now a month since colton died. he died on july 2 and his birthday to turn 3 was yesterday aug 1
I could have used a friend matt. sara is nice to have around I admit. but it is also nice to have your best bud around also during a time like this. you were not there, and still haven't been there for me.
that is the worst part just feel like out of everyone your one of the ppl I really could have used and well you were not around. and it doesn't help that the same day you said you would call me back, or that really since this has went happend really haven't heard anything from you.
so no matt the call is on you. what do you really want to do?
you have both my emails, you have my phone number, you even have my address if you would be willing to walk your ass or find some way to get here.
what do you really want to do
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what i want is for us tobe able to get along without all this drama. i am not pointing fingers here, i really am not. i'm sorry that you feel like i have not been there when you needed it. but as i say i was under the impression that you really didn't want any more to do with me.|
like i say, i really appriciate the fact that you care, i really do, but i am happy with who i am with, and despite all the bad things she has done, there really is a great and beautiful side of her that i really don't think you can see, this being the reason why i decided to salvage that relationship.
i do want you as a friend, i really do and i guess now that i know that you actually do want something to do with me, i would be more apt to call.
and actually in all honesty i don't know your e-mail... know the # tho.
i'll try and get ahold of you the next chance i get, that may be a while however.
on a seperate note i went tocourt today. i got a years probation , $300 in fines + court costs and whatever it costs to take some fuckin class... alltogether around $500 to get out of it. and if the music exchange ppl feel like it, they can bill me for another $500...
so here is what i am looking at in short. $500-1000, years probation, 60 hrs community service(or 120 days in jail) and a class...
so yeah, i hate sunglasses now. family still doesn't know, but this is too big to hide , i have to fess up so tomorrow i get to see where that takes me i guess.
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