delphinium (omniscience) wrote, @ 2005-03-25 22:12:00

Current mood:

depressed

it's been awhile

a month to be exact. it's been a really interesting and depressing month. it's happening all over again, and i do mean all over again. and as my parents kinda get lost along the way, i'm always wondering what the hell is wrong with me. like, mostly i'm okay, but when i see movies with kids in it, or family, or just cute babies in strollers... i wanna move to the moon cuz i dunno what i did to be this way?

why is it that when you think you want something the most, it seems like it's the least possible thing to happen to you?

i feel like an adult trapped in a small sick kid's body, too young to do anything about it, but yet old enough to care and worry about the consequences. and i know it sounds so ungrateful, but i hate it when people tell me they know how i feel. the truth it, i haven't met anyone who does in the literal sense of the word. i'm 19 and balding and sick and my body thinks it's 50. i feel like i'll never have kids, never grow up to be anything that i've wanted to be and no one can possibly understand that cuz most people i know don't even want kids. i see people who've had abortions or people who have their kids and leave them there for others to look after and i can't understand why i take it all so personally. i've tried to forget it but i find myself becoming and waterspout at movies not because they're sad, but because they've got such cute kids that i'll never have. unless i have a miracle.

i don't mind the hot flushes and the weight gain (well not that much anyways) or the pain or anything, but if they'd be able to tell me for sure that it doesn't affect me. but they can't and they won't and i'll not know until it's too late. and if that's what being me feels like....

i don't wanna know the rest

pamal01 2005-03-27 03:30 (link)

Baby Da... remember... its not as if u will never have kids.. u will!.. remember when i told u its just a matte rof time before we have kids?.. and of course we will have to marry first... remember what i had been telling you baby girl... i dun care whether balding or what..\ remember i told u that i had over-looked all the physical aspects??.. remember i said no matter big da or small da.. as long as its da.. she's MINE!!.. (melvin.. stay away!.. ) remember i promised to take care of you and love you as long as i could?? i mean everything... so dun give up hpope babe... u have to stay strong... and will always have my shoulder to lean on. I LOVE YOU (Reply to this) (Thread)

i give you my...my....HUGGIES! (Anonymous) 2005-03-29 11:05 (link)

*HUGS*HUGS*HUGS* darling sonn sonn!!!!!! ok, fine i don't noe how to feel literally in your way but i do understand how you are feeling. trust me, you WILL have kids. i have faith in you and in God. you will have little shining stars(remember?)and i pray that you'll get baby girls for you to dress up and pamper and baby boys for you to knock some maturity into them and be morally upright and good and of course give them the whole crash course on how to respect females. (ok, i'm going out of point) and my kids will be their playmates too! darling...i know it's tough...you are going thru one of the most painful processes of being a female at such a young age, i know your courage and i know you'll hang in there. but hope will be there and it will remain.. may all things go well and may those little itty gritty stuff disappear soon! to end off..*BIG HUG* -S (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: i give you my...my....HUGGIES! pamal01 2005-04-01 10:15 (link)
	haha... my kids be your playmate??... haha... should i be scared??... hehe.. scared u pollute them with your idealogy abt guys.. haha.. and about how their father always pissed you off.. hahaha.... i shall continue to day-dream... lol... (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: i give you my...my....HUGGIES! (Anonymous) 2005-04-02 12:11 (link)
	eh. i'm surprised u updated your blurty, lady !! mm...u probably won't have the million and two kids u want...but i don't doubt you'll at least have one. and he/she will be terribly special =) so chin up k? *hugs* -lynette- (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)