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Danie (notcryingforyou) wrote,
@ 2003-06-03 09:35:00
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    Current mood: numb

    My sister is gone. She left, without saying a word. I was at work, and when i got home she was gone. I don't know where she is. She is supposedly going to Virginia, but who knows. I know she doesn't have much money.

    I know it was going to happen this way. I knew she would move out under bad circumstances, and that I would most likely never see her again, at least until I move out. But when i move out I'm going to stay in the state. I can't believe she did this to me. Mom is so upset, and Megan is very sad. As for what I'm feeling...I don't even know what I'm feeling. Part of me is angry as hell at devon for leaving me with the peices of our family to try to glue back together, even though there's a peice missing. The other part of me is happy for Devon, because now she can have her own life. And another part of me is worried about her. I don't know what she's going to do. I'm just pulled in a million different directions at once all while wearing a mask of "everything's fine". Well, everything is not fine. But i go to work, and i come to school and continue like it is. I think the only reason why I'm so successful at this facade is that I'm more or less numb. My emotions are so confused that i guess as a defense mechanism I feel basically nothing. Or maybe I'm just in denial. maybe I'm hoping that this will all be a dream or a misunderstanding, and that devon will come walking in the house saying it was all a practical joke on me. But I'm too practical to even hope for something like that. It's not gonna happen.

    I just can't think about this anymore...

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the way things are
2003-06-04 07:27 (link)
Danie...first of all i want to apologize. i'm sorry that i didn't get to see you before i left, and i'm sorry that mom refused to allow me to talk to megan before i left. and i'm sorry that you've probably heard all the wrong reasons for why i left. but here's the truth: it didn't have to be this way. while we were in west palm eric suggested that i come visit him up in virginia. i said that would be cool because he is my new best buddy. so we were talking and suddenly he said, "well, what you could do is come stay with me until i move down a few months."

He said that if I came to stay with him it would be like gaining independence while still having someone to watch out for me. So I said that it sounded like a good idea. We were PLANNING on coming home and talking to mom and ken about it, but unfortunately eric let the galoot into our plans before we got home so by the time we got there mom already knew and was telling me i had ten minutes to get out. she kept calling eric my boyfriend and saying that we must be in love and stuff...and she thought that my plan all along was just to come home and get my shit and leave when it WASN'T.

So anyway, i'm sorry. i'm sorry to leave you there with that mess. and i'm sorry that mom, and you, and megan, and kenny are all effected once again by my decisions. but i just felt like if i let her tell me to get the fuck out one more time and didn't just do it when i had this great opportunity to do it safely then i would never be anything better than what i am which isn't much. running off with eric is much better than running off with some guy i hardly know. and i need to grow up, danie...obviously.

so i'm in virginia. staying with eric. he's taking care of me till i get a job. here's the number to his cell phone if you ever get the chance to call: 757-450-6563. i am going to be calling mom sometime, whenever i can get up the nerve. until then i've been telling the galoot where i am and what i'm up to because i know he'll tell her. it's funny because eric has set up "rules" like that i'm not allowed to date while i'm in his house and stuff...but it's different than when mom says it.

please don't hate me. i'm not gone from your life forever...and i hope you don't want me to be. i didn't want it to be this way.


i love you,


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