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Hm. . . Maybe I'm crazy (notagroupie) wrote,
@ 2003-02-06 10:56:00
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    Current mood:aggravated
    Current music:"Hey, Mister"--Custom (I don't know why)

    WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT?!?!?
    I am completely convinced that I'm falling against my will for Guy1 (That's how I'm doing this. I'm sorry; I can't say anything because he's in a rock band. . . who knows who might know him). Completely, 100% convinced.
    Or am I?
    Yesterday, I did something very in my character. It's something that shouldn't shock or confuse anyone who knows me. If I HADN'T done it this way, then everyone would be shocked and confused. The difference lies in how I handled it later. I have no conscience in the world of sex and dating. I can do a guy one night and walk away without talking to him for months and feel nothing. I can date a guy in one city and have someone in my home city all at once and feel nothing. If I'm dating someone who I'm not sleeping with, I can have a friend on the side and. . . feel nothing.
    Even this time, I joked with my best friend about having a "list" of allowable inequities if this new thing works out. The funny thing is that I don't think I'd do it this time. Seriously.
    Despite yesterday, I think that if this works out, I won't need anyone else.
    I'm sure you're saying, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED YESTERDAY, DAMN YOU?!"
    Fine, here.
    I went to work on some production with a guy I work with. He's a guy I have a bit of a history with, but we have hardly spoken in months. Recently, we've started talking again which is why we were working together (We'll call him Guy2). Anyway, I went to his house, and long story short, we hooked up. I didn't really see it coming because I didn't feel a need to provoke it. I have Guy1 to think about, right? I guess not. Well, normally, I'd be okay with it and life would go on, but I felt kind of bad. I felt like I did something wrong. I thought about Guy1 the whole way home, but I didn't want to call him because he was at band practice. By the way, he lives two hours away. Perfect scenario for me to usually have something on the side, but I wasn't trying to do that.
    I can't even comprehend what I'm feeling because there's a large part of me that loves being with Guy2 because he's fun and we get along really well, but my heart is with Guy1, and I don't want to mess up what we're starting.
    I hate these feelings because they're so foreign to me. I don't do this. I do whatever I feel like doing and then I don't worry about it, right? Guess not.
    Now I remember why I play this game with a poker face. It sucks.



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