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Hm. . . Maybe I'm crazy (notagroupie) wrote,
@ 2003-02-06 10:18:00
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    Current mood:distressed
    Current music:"The Game of Love"--Santana/Michelle Branch

    I've always been a pro at the guy/girl game. Okay, maybe not a pro, but I have survived because I feel nothing. I don't NEED someone; I never have. I am fine by myself, and I get a kick out of my friends who grieve over this guy or that guy because I don't understand. Guys are just humans. Cute humans, sure, but they are not that different than we are. I can do things just fine without someone gushing over me. That may sound like a hollow attempt at covering some hurt that I won't admit to, but I promise you, it's not. I just feel nothing.
    I never have. I've not been hurt by so many guys that I'm now callous. I just have different priorities. I'm certainly not saying I don't get involved because, oh, boy, DO I, but it's always on my terms. I come and go when I see fit. I have walked away with no explanation so many times.
    I've actually broken up with guys because they call too often. Yeah, seriously. . . believe THAT one! Most girls would kill for the twice-daily caller; I just think he's a little obsessive. You don't NEED to hear my voice. I sound the same as I did two hours ago. Unless your head is on fire, please, resist the urge to call again. I like to know I'm being thought of, but I also like to know you have other things going on.
    Another rotten, evil, heartless thing I have done is dump a guy because he wouldn't sleep with me. "Let's get to know each other better first," was his last words. I am sorry, but I have friends I can get to know. I have buddies. I don't want you around as a buddy. I am sexually attracted to you; that's why I'm DATING you. That's why we're not just friends. Hell, I sleep with some of my friends, too.
    Also, I am very career-driven. I am in an amazing field that never ceases to be exciting. I would go to the ends of the earth to further my career and get where I'd like to go and in the music business, that could be anywhere at anytime. I can't be tethered to a location because of some guy. I WILL leave you standing there wondering if I ever cared. Maybe I did; maybe I didn't, but when Capitol Records asks me to move to New York, it won't matter what I thought of you. I'll be gone before you can ask.
    All this to say that I think I'm in a bit of trouble. I don't know when or how it happened. . . or WHY, for that matter, but it did. It's like the Grinch; this thing just appeared in my chest and I don't know what the hell it is.
    His name is irrelevant, but he got to me. Part of me is thrilled because I've never felt like I do about him, but the residual part of me is pissed that I'm unable to play the game properly now. He threw me off.

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