I know it's been quite a while since my last entry. I won't apologize because I think I was just sparing people having to scroll past my entry on their friends list. Rachel told me that she reads my entries. All I do is complain and I'm not worth the title "depressed" or "eating disordered" because I'm not good enough for it.
I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. If I reached out to people as much as I should then I'd be in a bit of a better state. I use and abuse my opportunities to vent and pour onto them what I would never want someone else to do to them.. to burden them with the truth. with my truth.
The other night I went to Georgie's for the first time in a long time. It was insane. It was crazy. It was beautiful. I felt completely lost - more so than I have in a while. The "situation" between Georgie and I started to get to me. The fact that we've both cheated on each other's best friends with each other. (He went out with my best friend, I went out with his, we hooked up for years..) but it's not a situation that can just be said; "we hook up" because it's different. It's unique. unexplainable I guess. It's so easy to judge a situation like this once you hear about it. And being away from Georgie for that long also caused me to forget how amazing and special and allowed it is. I kissed his lips. I layed my body on his. Nothing out of the ordinary. But it felt wrong.. it felt wrong because when he was with Michele they never did much, and Georgie and I did "everything but" once a week. But now, I'm doing it all with Chris.. and two guys.. just doesn't make as much sense as I thought it might. Doesn't feel as right as I thought it would.
Being with Georgie again made me not want to be with Chris. I think I've figured out why I never 'needed' a boyfriend, unlike all my friends, I never really wanted one. Chris filled the void that I took Georgie out of for that while, and now I just understand why I never needed one before. Because Georgie filled me up. Chris is just what I would have had.. without the beautiful Georgie and Nicole.
But I need it. I think.. I think I might always have Georgie. Live every day to the fullest, yes, but I think I need this summer fling experience. I think I need it. Either that - or it's the exact opposite of what I need. who knows. i can't figure myself out.
Talking with Mike has been something that really does fill me up, and actually makes me anticipate the future. i think I've found a friend that is just everything and more. I think .. I don't know .. "where have you been all my life?" -- his words. And the fact that it's a mutual.. "oh my god!" .. makes it ten times better. I believe that there is an aspect that he will find, and will show him why everyone thinks he's so amazing. I think he'll be successful, and incorporate his dreams with reality. I can't wait to learn you
Oh yea, and I'm sick of this oral sex bull shit. We better fuck soon.
^ moment. thanks.
it's been hard.. being physically well lately. I guess that's obvious. This electrolyte imbalance bull shit is fucking me up so bad. I've been shaky, dizzy, wobbly.. and there's nothing to show for it. If only it were ana..
blah. im sick of it.
tomorrow? right. tomorrow.
(Post a new comment)
 | 
 midknightkiss
2003-05-07 22:36
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Somehow, I'm not sure if it comforts me more or less to know what that feels like, a sort of limbo between, breakfast and lunch when it comes to loving. *shrug* Guess what 'counts' is the connection. I hate my past with so many aching muscles in my body, but it's still the past, and I still remember how it feels, because I always have had trouble with monogamy. And. I'm not sounding like I 'get' what you were saying, but when I read it perfectly, it brought me back, I understood it perfectly, how could I not? I lived it. Needing, depending on anything- is never a good thing. Don't get too trusting, it'd be a pity to see you fall from that cloud...
Anywho. Nikki. Hi. I added you. You added me. It's a giant happy fucking family. Minus the fucking, and add 'if only'. Ohh, hormones, go away.
And I'm glad I'm not the only very rawr horny, very sexual, very needing person on Rach's friend list. ;).
As for shaky, dizzy, wobbly. Much relating, feel better, it majorly sucks doesn't it. Pish posh it isn't ana. In some way shape or form you can blame it on her. {waits for rebukal}.. But I mean, I've fucked up tons, and I'm paying for it now. Drugs, lack of taking care of myself, not sleeping hardly ever. Stupid shit. But I'm paying, and am constantly telling myself I deserve it. And the once in a while that I'm not dizzy and wobbling or shaking or whatever, I wonder what's happened. It's just. Bleh. Not a good feeling. So. Minus the empty feelings that usually go along with "Feel better" , feel better. Reaaally. Because, I don't know your circumstances, but ana fucks with you, and it's never a good thing. Whether you've had problems in the past, or if it's 'hardly been a problem', or you're in the middle of a giant ana-relapse..... you've still had the temptations, most likely fucked around with your body, and have a good chance of screwing it up if you still do it. but we always do, don't we? Meh.
..... Feeling long-winded tonight, sorry. Taking up lots of space. I feel like a note-whore.(Reply to this) (Thread) |
| Thank You..
nikkibee
2003-05-08 06:53
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I really appreciate this, I do. I usually hate when people compare their 'younger' selves to me. But .. i didn't. And I know I don't know you.. but that's a first for me. I really really like your writing style, it made me think, it made me have to 'read between the lines' and I hope to read some amazing entries from you.
And about the sex (lol) I've had a strange relationship with sex. Maybe I'll write about it one day - maybe not. But yea, it's good to know I'm not shot through the stomach with a pitch fork because I said I wanna fuck. Hi. Thanks.
Thanks for adding.. Hope to "talk" soon :)
Nikki(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
|  Re: Thank You..
midknightkiss
2003-05-08 17:34
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You're older than me, according to your profile-page on blurty. So that makes the 'younger' self thing kind of fucked up. I learnt too much too young, and regret it now.
*shrug* Usually though, people rub in your face that they already know this or that and say, don't do this or that because I did, and only say it to say it, and don't care. and. *shrug* could just be in my experience.
As for my writing style, thank you. I <3 compliments. *blush* I'm always trying to spice it up, and I usually take pride in what I do write, so.. If you see anything that needs fixin' don't hesitate to tell me. Cuz, it'll get fixed, and be better than ever. And. Whoa, Warning: Don't drink massive amounts of coffee in a short period of time... Anywho. I love writing and having it make people thing. Usually I think I state things too bluntly, and try to tone it down, especially in journal. I think they're more for getting feelings out, rather than documentation, so- I go with lots of feelings.
Hopefully my entries will come a little more often than they have been. I tend to write in here and slack off in the other one (deadjournal), or vice versa. And. *shrug* You're open to read DJ. And mesh the entries together.. and get some sense of what's up.
Sex. It's a love hate relationship. Regret it, and still want more. It's Crazy. I don't know what else to say about it, addictive almost. Can't live with it, can't live without it. Hah. I hate that quote, it's so bland.
I'm in a very random mood today.
- Much 'talking' should ensue.
(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Re: Thank You..
nikkibee
2003-05-08 17:57
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hey hey..
Rachel has told me how wonderful you are :) I look forward to talking to you. I will be 16 in a little over a month. And even if you're not older.. the reason why i say older is because of more experience (in general). Age may not matter. Maybe I'm not a younger version of you.. maybe a lesser one.. or maybe just a past one. Or!!!! Or maybe I'm me!! -- haha fake epiphany moment, thanks ;)
It's very nice to meet you
Nikki(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| Re:
midknightkiss
2003-05-08 16:52
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Moi? Aww! <3's Rach.
... Talking to the boy today I joked about a threesome. He was being stupid and saying stuff about (what I call his butt-buddies) guys, and doing a bad imitation of a gay man, I told him we should incorporate one.. He said, if that was to happen, I'd prefer two punanis. I said, but you get mad at the idea of annie and me? and he replies- but she's just nasty. -well what about rach? -'She's cute.' He blushes. Oh? 'Well yah. She's reaaally cute. And I don't have to worry about you beating me up about it, because we ALL know you think she's cute.'
... feel special, you got mentioned. and called cute. even though we alllll know you're more than cute. ;). Um. The threesome thing was a joke... (unless...)
Anywho. I had just elbowed him in the mouth, splitting his lip. Which makes it funnier.
Ummm.. This is Nikki's journal isn't it, I'm too lazy to retype stuff in an IM or your journal. Guess she'll have to deal. ;).
It shouldn't be too much of a burden, it's humorous at least.
...- *giant hugs*
(or we could do the threesome thing without him..... kidding?)(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
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nikkibee
2003-05-08 14:20
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I wish there were such things like pixie dust as well. But what you do offer, is truly appreciated. Some people go beyond human standards, and although magic is still not proven concievable, you go beyond average human standards. I hope you realize that.
Don't worry about comparing. Before when you did, I didn't know your feelings towards me. That's why it upset me. I apologize again for the assumption. Go ahead, share your stories.. :) ..
I am a virgin as well. I guess it doesn't sound like it by the way I talk - but I am. I didn't think you were because of your entry about sex.. but yea. good to know.
ana vs. mia. the winner's always the same..
<3 Nikki(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
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