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natlie boh (natalieboh) wrote,
@ 2004-06-23 02:20:00
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    Current mood: confused
    Current music:sadly, nothing

    in need of some help, PLEASE
    im not really sure what is wrong with me. maybe someone can help me out.

    the thing is, i was diagnosed as bipolar with GAD and OCD after having some serious spaz-out issues. i told the doc i cut myself, and also mentioned my occasional drug and alcohol "abuse". (never really considered it abuse, didnt do it to escape just to have fun) was prescribed to take lithium zoloft and neurontin... the doc also said that, if i were to cut again OR use drugs, he would be "forced" to tell my parents about the drugs and the cutting.

    first off, does that seem FUCKED up to anyone else?

    then i found out he was testing my blood for drugs, without my consent. i had to get my blood checked monthly to monitor the affects of the lithium, and i discovered an additional blood test orderded on the sheet, which my pre-med friend told me was for a basic drug scan. fucked up. so i pretty much stopped taking drugs for those reasons.

    well after a year, i gradually went off the drugs, because i hated taking 9 pills a day (just the sight of the pills would make my throat close up, and if i tried swallowing them, even in food, i would gag and have to spit them out). it has now been a year since i was off of them, and technically, i have been fine (i suppose anyone who has read my past posts would disagree...) also stopped seeing the doctor (he since has sent me a handwritten letter telling me how concerned he is that i havent come in in so long... too bad i cant afford it and do NOT want to be sent to a psycho farm)

    i havent had bouts of depression as i felt them before. nor have i had bouts of mania as i felt them before. in fact, no mania at all. perhaps a bit of promiscuity... but i attest that to breaking up with a long-term boyfriend and trying to figure out my own sexuality. i have not cut in about 8 months, and i didnt really get any joy from the last cut i made (which is a nasty scar that i have to see every day now). however, ive had other issues, new ones.

    first, the drugs. drugs to sleep, mainly. often cant sleep without them. but now, ive been taking them (oxycodone, vioxx, ambien, diphenhydramine, dextropomorphan or whatever is in robitussin) just to get the amazing buzz/fuzz. takes a good bit of drugs to get me out. actually the last time i took oxy i took so much that i had a moment where i passed out and woke up trying to breathe and couldnt figure out where i was. so im a little afraid of that shit now. plus its my dads supply and its dwindling and im afraid hell notice.

    so theres the drugs. and then theres the eating. first semester i went through a pretty rough spell, pretty much right after my boyfriend broke up with me, where i didnt eat. it started with an antibiotic i went on (erithromycin, i think, the normal stuff but apparently i am allergic to this as well as every other antibiotic ive been on), that caused me to lose my appetite. i had to take it 4 times a day, and it was quite big, which added to the loss of appetite... but also it did NOT settle wel with my stomach. i told the doctor who prescribed it and she said not to worry too much... and besides i couldnt afford the better antibiotic. so i kept taking it for 2 weeks, and hardly ate at all during that time. well that started it. i basically didnt get my appetite back after that time, and went on a strange diet. all i can really remember of it was, eating crackers sometimes, maybe a meal a day, and lots of beer. one friday when there was a big party at school, about two weeks after i had gotten off the pills, i ate a packet of crackers, and went to the party and drank like 10 beers. didnt get drunk, surprisingly (im irish what can i say) but i drank more calories than i ate. i kept this up for awhile, and wound up going from about 140 to around 120 in a few weeks. my roomies hated it, worried, and i was afraid theyd turn me in. but it doesnt help that i have to hear them bitch about their weight all the time besides it. i wanted to say, hey, at least i look better than you! and the one is a stress eater, which always pissed me off and i felt like i had to starve myself to balance it. shes fat, no doubt about it. disgusting.

    so thats how its been. that starvation thing lasted about the whole semester. i thought i looked good at the time. looking back at the pictures kind of freaks me out, but i was so proud of it at the time as well. now i think im slipping back into it. ive been eating like SHIT lately, even worse ive been binging. but i cant bring myself to purge. however for the past two nights as soon as im finished dinner ive been so nauseous and had the urge to purge, so to speak. the only thing that has stopped me is i know my parents would hear and be worried. and as i dont have health insurance, getting sick or having them think im sick is not a good thing.

    what i think i need is, for someone to tell me whats going on with me. just a diagnosis, not an offer to help. i dont want to be helped/changed. i think i may have relapsed into bipolar though... possibly something new, who knows. maybe im just depressed now. but i refuse to believe it. and i cant afford a doctor or medicine now anyway. nor do i want to upset my parents about it becuasei know it bothers them, especially fills my mother with such guilt.

    theres the other thing, the guilt. if that damn doctor had thought for a bit more, he would have realized that telling my parents about my cutting and drugs would only aggravate the situation even more. my mother would be filled with so much guilt, and would also feel really bad about what i was goign through, which would cause me more guilt, which has generally been the cause of my cutting.

    im tired of writing tonight. any response would be nice. its not that im lonely, ive got friends. but i dont really feel like they can help. sometimes anonymous help is the best.



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