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Zoe (mutagenic) wrote,
@ 2003-07-05 23:07:00
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    Current music:depeche mode

    feeling tired and bruised.
    The more I see Eric, the more I want hold him. And the less I want to let him go. I hate it. I don't really think of us as a long distance relatioship. Right now he lives an hour and a half away. Its not too bad. We talk to each other every day.

    And in September I'll get to see him every day at college. So I do have a lot to look foward to. Maybe I'm just greedy. I want him forever.

    And then I have these ugly feelings. Nothing to do with him. I just feel like I need to lose weight. I need to exercise. I try not to talk about it so much. I don't want to sound obssessed. I don't think about it every day on the hour, every hour. But it does cross my mind frequently.

    But Eric says he thinks I'm pretty and I'm not heavy. I just feel so blah sometimes. I can't explain it. I mean, I have had this fucked up body image since I was born. Generally, I think I'm decent looking most of the times. (and some days even cute. If I'm feeling narcissistic. Which is hardly ever.) But thats usually just my face. Its just the rest of body I don't care for.

    I wish my stomach was flatter and my arms were thinner. I wish I was in shape. I know I'm not as horrid as I think I am either. Size wise I'm an eight to an eleven. It depends on style and junk like that. I wouldn't mind being a size six in everything, though.

    I love Eric. I really do. Sometimes I can't believe that he loves me. From my past experience with boys, I just felt like I wasn't worth it. And he is so beautiful (emotionally and physically.) And I'm thinking about him as I'm writing this. Usually whenever I tell him he's attractive, he tells me I am crazy. And if he ever reads this one day, for the record, he is super cute.

    Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be thin enough to myself.

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2003-07-06 01:25 (link)
EEEEKKK!!! *shakes* you updated!!!yes the 411. omg i am so happy for you and eric u made me tear when i read that. i wished i had a guy or someone who actualy cares about me. i wanna see a pic please if its possible andnot any troubble. i dont think ive ever seen you befor but i bet ur fine. i feel the same way about my self especially my stomache and legs. everybody wishes they had something different unless their sum liek stuck up preppy know it all bitch who thinks that they are better then everybody else. everybody has a lil sumtin wrong, i highly dout weight is ur lil problem. anyways im super glad to finaly hear from you. i hope to hear more soon. have fun and keep smiling! <33333


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2003-08-11 16:22 (link)
*looks around* where are you.... im gona find you.....

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