| Current mood: |  weird |
| Current music: | Summertime- Gershwin |
First Entry
I had a journal on line once. But then I realized that I could not say what i really wanted to say because all my friends were the ones who checked it. SO I decided to start another one, but no one I know will have the adress. I will be writting to myself mostly- and to those lucky few who feel as though they should check this and read it.
Life has thrown me in many directions the past few months. At the beginning of my senior year I thought everything was going to be perfect. I had an amazing boyfriend and we were both going to make it into the Crane School of Music and live happly ever after, the end. Then I started to visit all my other "back up colleges". I fell in love with another school- Fredonia. It kind of crept up on me. At first I didnt want to admit it, but after lots and lots of prayer time I realized that this is where God wanted me to go. Once I accepted this I felt like a weight had been lifted off my sholder ( I did make it into Crane and Fredonia, for the music geeks out there). But the problem is now that my boyfriend still wants to go to Crane. Now, I know that I should not worry about this because God has it all undercontrol. But I feel like if I dont write it down I wont get it out of my system. I know that whatever happens God willed it to be that way and my life was supposed to take a drastic turn- but it doesnt make it any easier. He had his audition , and got a letter from Crane and I thought " well this is the end, we will remind friends and go far away". BUT the letter wait listed him. It turns out too many trombones tried out this year. They acccepted only one so far, and are waiting for the last audition to decide on the rest. 60 auditionees-5 openings. Now this is going to kill me. He has his fredonia audition this weekend, too. But I can tell he isnt trying as hard for it. I can only pray though that he does. See, as bad as I want him to come to Fredonia with me, I also care about him and want him to go to College. What if Crane rejects him and he doesnt try hard enough at Fredonia? Well my friends- he's screwed! or what if he makes it into both? Then he goes to Crane and im screwed. *sigh* So, this is my inner termoil for the year. I was in a small state of depression, worrying about this , for about a month acctually. But Then it hit me one night while praying that I need to just let it go. The thoughts were consuming my life and I was ruining relatonships because of it. So I gave it to God. I gave it to the only person who can make anything better. And I will continue to pray until God shows me his plan.
It might not be a "happly ever after" ending. But atleast I know that if we do end up at the same school- it was purly God's will. No one else can minipulate the situation.
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