| Current mood: |  crushed |
| Current music: | ICP - Truely Alone |
idk what to do...
well let's see i haven't written in her in FOREVER... well almost... here's what happened so far...
shit hit the fan with me and apirl....
our relationship is gone forever b/c of me...
i broke up with her b/c i thought the stress in my life was mainly because of her.... and i couldn't have been more wrong! it was everything else... at the time i was so caught up with everything that i lost focus to what really mattered to me and that was her! and still is in my heart! but unfortunatly not her's.... i've lost sleep, haven't been able to eat, or do anything b/c i've gone into a depression over her... but it's worth it. i love her soo much she doesn't even know... i'll never forget talking to her at night and just holding her in my arms and looking into her eyes... she had the most beautiful eyes.... it was sooo stupid and idiotic for me to think it was her.. she was the only thing keepin me sane and after we broke up i've just been declining ever since... i miss her so freakin much i could just die.. i want to die without her nearby... she gave me my reason and happiness to live. and i wish i had figured this out early but like they say "hind-sight is always 20/20"... she's with some other guy and it kills me... it hard to think she has moved on... and i don't know what to do.. i can't stop thinkin about her and loving her... she told me "she really loves me to, but she just can't go out with me right now..." so i'm just like wtf? it sucks... we're friends now and it's killing me.. i hold myself back everytime i want to hug her or hold her.. i just start shakin infront of her and today she's like "what's wrong?" and i said "i'm cold..." and it's true.. without my little ray of sunlight my life has been cold and void of everything... i start shakin when i think about her... i miss her so... and i really wish i knew why she can't go out with me right now... but could down the road... she has a b/f now but she admits that he's a rebound and she's not takin it seriously... idk... i'm just jelious of the new guy and would sell my soul just to be with her... the hardest thing about this is that i've changed sooo much into what she always wanted and i wish i could show her... but again i cannot... our lives would be soooo awesome together and i know she knows it but i think she's afraid to b/c all her friends and family hate me... and they're pushin her away(i hope that's not true, but it's the only thing i can think of, or she wants to wait until after prom...idk... my mind is just like ???)... if she looked into my eyes and i told her that everything would be ok... she would know as well... everything would be like the beginning again where we talk everynight all night on the phone, see each other almost everyday, cuddle and kiss on the couch watching movies... i would *NOT* distract my self anymore.. she would have 100% control over me and i wouldn't care... just as long as i could see her face smiling at me just one last time... we used to be so happy until i fucked everything up... i'm soo worthless for doing this to us and i cry everynight all night just thinkin how i hurt her and how much of a fucking asshole i am... if there was just one thing i could change in my life... this would be it... this is the only thing worth fighting for in my life and it's true love.... i only wish i knew it earlier... and i regret every stupid moment of my day for letting her go... "sorry" can't be used.... b/c i'm soo much more apologetic then sorry... i wish there were more words to describe how horrible i fell... but there's not... and if she could feel how sorry and deeply i care for her and willing to make *every* moment of her life, the second we get back together, perfect. she would be my little princess and never have to do a thing again... i would cook.. but i don't want her to die... haha but seriously she'd be treated and respected like the goddess she truely is! this is only a stratch on the surface... my love for her is endless... i just hope she knows that... i love you with all my heart and soul APRIL!!! and i would wait an eternity for just one more chance to make things right. yours forever,
Eric (fuzzy)
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