|Current mood:|| sad|
|Current music:||Have yourself a Merry little Christmas...|
It's a couple days before Christmas and I really don't think I have cared less about this holiday than I do in 2007. All I can think about is how I never have any fucking money and how I'll never be able to afford to get people presents this time of year. Its the same shit every year, and I don't even want to receive any gifts either. What's the point? All that does is make me feel bad that I can't give out any gifts. I just wish I didn't have to see any family or pretend that I still enjoy Christmas. Ever since my grandparents died, Christmas lost its meaning to me. Now I'm old enough to know all of the family quarrels going on that prevent anyone from having a genuinely good time on Christmas. So really, merry Christmas to all. Now leave me alone.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I just had Christmas here with my parents. Maybe my brothers, but spare me their wives and kids. They were a lot more fun before they had them.
Oh well, fuck it. I'm at the point now where I've got Molly and I really don't need anyone else. I think if I didn't have her though, I'd anticipate this holiday even less than I do right now. I spend too much time being depressed about the past slipping away and time moving into an uncertain future. People come and go and I dunno why it seems like I'm the only one that remembers and misses people from high school. I really wish I could just randomly hang out with old friends again like back in the days where you just lived in the moment. But nothing is like that anymore. Everyone is so busy and it makes me think that I must conform to adulthood and leave old memories behind. It seems like I'm the only one that makes an effort to keep in touch with people. Sometimes I just don't talk to certain old friends for the simple fear that they may think I'm creepy for still thinking about them or wanting to hang out even though they have very different lives now.
I'm happy with what I've got, don't get me wrong. But I have always been the kind of person that doesn't like to let go. I still have all of my childhood toys I haven't played with in years. I still have little trinkets of random things I no longer collect. I still have old love letters and birthday cards I never read. The list goes on. All of these things are absolutely useless to me now, but because they meant something to me once, I can't let go. Because once they are gone, they're gone forever aside from in memory.
I guess that's why I don't like Christmas anymore. The decorations, the music, the snow...all reminders of a time that will never return or be the same...and it makes me feel so alone because I feel like I'm the only one who remembers.
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