well, i just started my junior year at purchase college. i'm kind of a wreck and i don't know why. i live in an apartment on campus with three other girls now, one with whom i share a room with. they are nice, beautiful girls. maeve and hallie i hung out with all last year, and christine, my actual roomate, is very sweet and chill. i don't have much to complain about. i've been smoking more than i should, but it gives me an excuse to socialize. although it seems that i have plenty of friends, i am still the silent girl at the party. sometimes it is absolutely crippling. sometimes, its fine and i get drunk and happy just like anyone else. but in all honesty, i don't want to have this lifestyle anymore. last year, orin and i were essentially living together and every day was so bright and beautiful.. on sunday mornings we would listen to reggae and hang out in our bathrobes for hours, and every night i knew i had someone to come home to. now we both have roomates and these things are not possible, at least not in the same way, and it just seems like we are taking a step back although i know it is just circumstantial.
yesterday was spent crying during a slow day at work, with no tissues so i had to use my hands to clear my face when people came in, and my eyes were so red and puffy at the end that i found it impossible to go back to the apartment and face everyone. i don't like having no privacy. i don't even know why i was so upset. i was just feeling pathetic and socially awkward and had convinced myself of every terrible thing i am.. and from there it just got worse. orin is a senior this year which means he will graduate a year before me, and all the friends i have made will be gone too. what will i do? i depend on him so much. it is out of love, but i know that getting into a relationship right away in college probably kept me from branching out.
he's so sweet and understanding. he took me from the apartment and we sat on the grass by the woods, getting bit by bugs and i told him everything i was afraid about and tried to rationalize my horrible emotional outbursts. he loves me so much, and i know that if he didn't, he wouldn't be patient enough to deal with these kinds of things. i'm a very lucky girl. but still, there is such a stigma in college against loners. i am not a loner but sometimes i just want to be alone, i am not a 24/7 party person and i never will be. sometimes i just can't wait until we both graduate and orin and i can get a tiny apartment and live free from the schedules of others. i know this is what we both want. creating a future without him seems impossible, although i know i could do it if i had to.
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