i had a weird dream last night.
what happened was i ran into mike at some sort of gathering.
and, apparantly we had had a child- a little girl named hope. i guess i had given birth to her right before i went to college, but we decided to let mike take care of her so i could go to college.
i was off for summer- and i wanted to keep her for the summer. i was in my living room talking to ashlee and mama about it. ashlee said to watch out, she didn't want me hanging around mike. but i said that i had to, how else could i see my daughter? and when i asked mama if i should keep hope over the summer, she said "well, i know you always keep your promises."
meanwhile, mike had been raising hope with his new girlfriend dawn. orin wasn't around to help me raise hope because he was home for summer too. anyway, i didn't like the way mike and dawn raised hope. they gave her crappy food, watched nascar with her and stuff. but i don't think he was neglecting her or anything. i think that he grew up a lot. so i tried my hardest to teach hope good habits, but it was hard. i loved her, fed her fruit and sat with her in the garden. of course, this meant i couldn't really work over the summer.
in the same night, i don't know if it was before or after the dream about hope, i dreamed i went to india with mama. i really liked it. there was some kind of crazy fight between an elephant and... some other kind of animal, im not sure what it was. but then we got chased by a herd of elephants. which we weren't too scared about. but mama had to go home and wouldn't take me because she didn't want to pay for my plane ticket. i was too scared to try to go home alone, arrange a flight and all that- especially because i didn't know the language. i was really terrified to try to get out of this country independantly. so i called ashlee, told her "i'm in india and i don't have a way to get out. could you please pick me up?" she was understandably annoyed, and said, maybe, but i would have to bring scott with me.
then i woke up because the fucking guy was mowing the lawn directly by my window right by my head.
the way i see it, is in my future, i see a struggle between wanting to settle down, having children, having security, and doing things i always wanted to do, like traveling, but that being scary because i am so dependant on other people. i wonder what the better course of action is because i really want to do both.
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