|Current mood:|| pissed off|
Don't EVER read ur old journals...it brings back bad memories...
I hate it how sometimes I look back on things I said and I realize how dumb I really was. I was reading one of my old journal entries. Not in here....in my journal at home in my night stand.
October 17, 2001
Today I spent my day with Kurt. I had the best day ever!! We drove around for a while and blared the music really loud. We screamed all the best songs. I wish this day could've gone on forever. At one point we pulled over and we just sat on the side of the road near the woods. He leaned in and we started to kiss. The next thing I knew my shirt was in the back seat and my bra was sliding down my arms. He looked at me and said "you know I love you right?". I said "Of course". He started to unbutton his pants and I pulled away. He said "Why can't we express our love like everyone else?". I just looked out the window. So I gave him a blow job. I felt bad. He thinks I don't love him. I do. I'm just not ready to have sex. If only he could see it that way. He just sees it as me not loving him. I'm thinking maybe I should just do it with him. Everyone else has already done it anyway. I'm such an idiot. I just should have done it. I would've liked it. It's just an expression of love. I DO love him and he loves me. What is the big deal?
Jesus why could I not see it? Was I fucking blind? He wanted ass! That's all he wanted!! He wanted ASS!! He never loved me. He never even thought about me when I wasn't there. I was just some stupid little girl who did whatever he wanted. If only I never met him. I'd still be a virgin and maybe not so..ugh...
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