| Current mood: |  crushed |
I Feel Like I Lost A Really Good Friend
I went to bed crying last night, and as I sit here at my computer, I am crying again. Not the hard body shaking crying that comes from anger and devastation, rather the unstoppable tears that just roll out of your eyes and spill down your face and splash on your breast. Tears that make your nose clogged and your head hurt. Hurtful tears, that come from a tender heart broken. Tears that one crys when they feel rejected and pushed aside.
I used to post on a message board, and I was happy there. Happy to fight with the other posters and mix it up with other people who liked comic books. People who enjoyed the fine art of sarcasm. It was a lot of fun, and it had become a big part of my online social circle. I logged in there several times a day to engage in flame wars.
The older posters who fancied themselves the 'old school' were in fact just an older string of posters than me. There were posters older than them, who said the same thing to them. They sashayed around saying, "you just don't it, you just don't get it", Oh, I got it all right. The truth of the matter is, they had all formed an opinion of me and anything I posted was considered not worth reading. It had become popular to hate me there. I could deal with it, that was my place, the hated girl poster.
Of course some of them refused to believe I was a girl, which I thought was just beyond ridiculous. Just because I knew how to use filthy words and chose to post in a place called the Gutters.
If I was ever funny, and I know I was sometimes, they would never let me know it. But let one of the others say something funny and they were there to give them a shy pat on the back. I didn't expect them to go around saying how funny I was all the time, but every now and then they could have been more into what I was saying.
There were a few there that I really liked and made no secret about it. Too, there are several of them that have blogs and I love to go to their blogs and read them and leave an encouraging comment on them. I just actually loved all the guys there and it really upset me that they seemed to all hate me so much.
What I don't understand is how can they hate me like they do? I haven't done anything but try to be a part of the message boards. They have no idea how much they hurt my feelings over the passed year and how much I have cried.
You might be thinking right about now, well if they upset you so bad why did you want to continue to go back. The answer is plain and simple...I wanted to be near all of them. They are smart and funny and I just wanted to be there with them. Sometimes it was fun and they would let me make a comment on a subject without flaming me and making me have to defend myself.
What finally made me decide to leave after so long and after their repeated attempts to run me off, is the most painful reason of all.
Jefferson. Jefferson, whom I have loved with an everlasting unconditional love has made some comments that have really seared me to the bone. I can't in light of our break-up continue to post where he is. He said I followed him there, which is true and everyone knows it, then he went on to say, ,it was never his idea for me to be there and not to balme him for my presence. God, that hurt. he and I are suppose to be friends still even though we are broken up. I have his car here and have been keeping it for him while he was away so he wouldn't have to pay a large storage fee. I have his comics, boxes of them, and his clothes, and his beloved leather jacket. I can tell you the thought has crossed my mind a couple of times since last night to cut that precious leather jacket into a million tiny peices.I wouldn't actually do it of course, but I have enjoyed picturing what his reaction would be.
He feels that since he was there first, then it is really more his thing than mine. I suppose he is right. I just feel such grief over the whole thing. Like I am mourning the loss of a good friend.
I am still in love with Jefferson, and his cutting comments go deeper than my ability to self heal.
This may all seem silly to you, but to me, it isn't. It is painful, it is hurtful, and I am still tasting my tears. I have a feeling I will for long time to come.
(Post a new comment)
 | From "you know who...lol" 
(Anonymous)
2003-05-21 10:59
(link) | |
Where is this message board? I would be glad to go there undercover ,get in on their good side and then let them have a taste of their own medicine. They don't hate you because of you, they hate you because they are jealous and can't stand the competition!! (Reply to this) (Thread) |
(Post a new comment)
|
