-sits himself down on the couch besides Nick, passed out in a sitting position, a beer bottle in his hand. nudges him aside and lifts his foot up, bracing it against the chair positioned in front of the couch and placed the pad of paper on his knee. reaches up and grabs the pen he had slid behind his ear earlier and uncaps it. nervously bites down on the cap as he recalls the conversation he had with Jessi at Denny's the night before-
Dear M,
I don't know how to start this letter. I have never written a girl a letter before. Unless you count the time in middle school where I asked a girl to be my girlfriend and told her to circle either yes or no. Then got embarrassed when she came over and yelled 'no' to my face before ripping up the letter and throwing it on the ground. I never wrote a girl a letter again. But that's besides the point.
A good friend of mine told me that my mind may be telling me to do one thing and my heart another, but it's always going to be my heart that makes me happy. I guess she's right because last night, I finally knew what it was I really wanted. No, I shouldn't say wanted. Because you're not a plaything. I finally knew what or rather, who it was that I needed. It's the girl this letter is written specifically for. And maybe I had known all along, my mind just wasn't listening to my heart. They were going in two different directions all at once, which may explain why I've been so confused about everything.
I'm sorry I hurt you. I know I did. I know I made you angry, too, and I'm sorry for that. I wish I could just be perfect for you and not make any mistakes but I'm all too human. Sometimes I wish I didn't have any flaws. Maybe it'd make things easier on me. And you're probably sitting there shaking your head at this letter and wondering why I even bothered to write this thing. Maybe I pissed you off bad enough to make you want to rip this letter up and if you want to, go ahead. No one's there to stop you.
I guess I just wanted you to know that even though I did the stupidest things, I still cared about you. I still do. And we only went on one date but that was enough for me. And I'm stupid. I know I'm hurting Christina with every word that I write but it was even she who advised me to go for who my heart wants and if you don't mind, it's you.
Sincerely,
Matt
-rereads what he wrote and sighs, deciding he rambled too much in it. slams the pad cover down and pushes the notebook away, taking off his baseball hat and scratching his head in frustration. gets up and tosses his cap aside, heading for the fridge and pulling out a fresh bottle of beer. uncaps the beer and takes a long swig. heads for his bunk and lays down in it, putting on his headphones and turning on his CD player, his mind drifting as he thought silently to himself-
I can recall only this one time
This kind of control the girl had on my mind
I've fallen deep, I can't get out
I've never acted this way before...
I've spent days and nights in my bedroom
Tryin' to write the perfect song to sing to you
Write a song a day but she won't like it anyway
Back to the drawing board
With the words you've heard a million times before.
Feelin' alone and she's on my mind
Try to erase all the pain from that time
She's breakin' up
And I'm breakin' down
Now I'm headed out of this part of town.
I've spent days and nights in my bedroom
Tryin' to write the perfect song to sing to you
Write a song a day but the band won't like it anyway
Back to the drawing board
With the words you've heard a million times before
In your head...
So love me so I can be myself again
Now hate me so things seem normal in my head
I'm tryin' to break away this ball and chain
So hate me so things seem normal in my head
Things seem normal in my head.
I've spent days and nights in my bedroom
Tryin' to write the perfect song to sing to you
I've spent days and nights in my bedroom
Tryin' to write the perfect song to sing to you
Write a song a day but she won't like it anyway
Back to the drawing board
With the words you've heard a million times before
In your head I am dead.
-quickly finishes off his beer and tosses it into the nearest garbage can. turns on his side and shuts his eyes, trying to sleep away the rest of the day-
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 | 
 _maggs
2003-07-10 15:56
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Dear Matt,
If I could be eloquent in writing down all my feelings in a letter, then this would be easy. But I can't, so it's hard. The truth is that sometimes I can't express what I feel and so I miss out on things. I'm not going to do that this time.
Sometimes, when I'm with you, I can't believe that I even know you. And I have no clue if you're aware of it, but often I just sit there and watch you just being you. It's hard to know that sometimes you think so little of yourself and you have no idea how truly amazing you are. And I wish that I could take it all away and you could see for yourself how great you are. I know I'm being a hypocrite here, but it's true.
Everyone has flaws; you just have to look at what I did yesterday to know that. Whatever flaws you think you have and see in yourself, I like you despite them. In some way, I like you because of them. Without them, you wouldn't be human. When I'm watching you, I see your humanity. And I like it.
"What if you could go back in time, and take away all those hours of pain and darkness and replace them with something better?"
It's hard for me to express myself, so I have to use quotes. It seems stupid that I'm not able to write down my emotions when they're at their strongest point. I'm sorry that I didn't write this earlier, but I was trying to make it right. I still don't think it is, but I wanted to write it all down before I exploded.
I'm hurt right now because of everything that's happened, but I'm not about to deny what I feel. I'm not very good at saying things in a beautiful way so I'm going to put it simply. Despite everything that's happened over this time, I want to be with you. And that's not going to change any time soon.
In one way or another I've always suffered. I didn't know why exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him.
Yours,
Maggie
-sighs, and paperclips a photograph onto the letter, scribbling "I'm gonna be a pro boarder when I grow up" on the back, puts the letter on a table and walks away-(Reply to this) (Thread) |
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