Spinach and ricotta tortellini
It is strange how soon things can change and become the opposite of what they were just so recently. How recently you ask?? Well I'm too lazy to check but I know at Christmas I was sat alone at an all you can eat buffet gorging plates of food and jugs of water or diet coke. Today I needed to do some shopping. I decided to go along with him for the car ride and because Theo particulars enjoys the joys of motoring. (I could see him being like Mr Toad of Toadhall from Wind In The Willows because hes a funny little boy!! He keeps getting stuck under chairs and in doors he doesn't realize how big he has become!!)
Anyhow I am speaking of how my eating disorder has once again turned. I think that most people who have an eating disorder will find them passing through more than one diagnosis during their illness. So far I can look at my life and see several changes in my eating disorder.
Infant - Fussy only liked to eat French Brie and peas.
Childhood - A lot of problems at meal times. Having to eat foods in order and by colour and been punished repeatedly for not finishing a meal or not liking some kind of food. We would sometimes have to sit there until bed and we couldn't have anything else to eat.
Aged 10-12: Compulsive over eating disorder. This was brought on by the banning of white sugar products in our home and any processed or junk food or any food containing artificial colors, flavorings or MSG which gives both my parents migraines.) We were allowed carob and rice paper bars and once or twice a month my father would bring home Swiss chocolate bars. (Side note they were absolutely delicious!) I stole money from my parents during this time to support my food habit. I am very ashamed that I did this. That I was a thief and if I could turn back time I would not do it again. I don't even know why I needed so much. I would buy whole cakes and boxes of meringues and eclairs from a French bakery. At the school canteen I would buy dozens of heated cheese rolls, candy bars and ices. After school I would buy huge bags of 10 cent candy that would be hidden in secret stashes in my room. Everyone saw me eating and the other girls at school told me I was going to be very fat when I was older. This was because as you get older your body can't let you eat so much. To my young ears it was horror, " To grow up and be fat" what a terrible thing that must be. This was around the same time that I was getting out of our Australian swimming pool and my mother told me I was getting chubby. I was the smallest girl at school in stature and in mass. So I began to look more carefully and to look often into mirrors. I became obsessed staring and pulling at my face infront of the bathroom mirror trying to understand why I looked so ugly so manlike. Nothing was right and at school I continued my lonely existence. I didn't have any friends at this time except those created to appease the parents. I spent my free school hours with books or tucked up inb the computer lab playing tetris and crystal maze while devouring cookies or chips.
All the looking in the mirror and glancing at my reflections in windows I passed created more of a distance in me. I knew that I was that girl and I was horrible, worthless and stupid but she seemed more and more distant and so strange to understand. My mother took me to the library with her and got out a psychiatry book. She soon declared that I was a narcissist and it explained my vanity because I always thought I was just so beautiful didn't I? No mom I never did that was you not me.
There is also one more interesting episode during this time. At school we were required to do a project on family trees. I retrieved the family tree to laboriously create a hand drawn copy. By my fathers name I saw written two other female names. It transpired that my father had been married twice before. The first wife he divorced for cheating the second he divorced because she was anorexic. I still don't know what to think of it but its not that strange is it the pivotal or defining moments in our childhoods. It was very traumatic for me to discover these ex wives and it is still hard to comprehend.
Aged 13-16: Anorexia Nervosa Purging Type (Laxatives and exercize) , EDNOS During this time I maintained a very low weight which was passed off as running in the family. I remember summers with one bowl of KIX cereal as a new diet and throwing away lunches.
Aged 17-21: Anorexia Nervosa Purging Type (Laxatives and exercize) Things continued much the same at 19 during what my father describes as another bout of my anorexia (Oh god we said the word that doesn't exist) I reached my lowest adult weight of about 36kilos or 80lbs.
Aged 21-22: Recovery or something like that. I tried but was still unable to shake a sometimes laxative habit and it was during this time I attempted again to purge by vomiting.
Aged 22- 23: Bulimia Nervosa. It took me 6 months to admit to myself that I was no longer anorexic. I was embarrassed and ashamed for my loss of control and I hated it. I went from purging a fat free cup of soup to spending Christmas day alone in an all you can eat buffet devouring plates of food hardly pausing to breathe. Bulimia caused me to spend all my saving and max out my credit cards. It was during this time I also became an alcoholic. I also started stealing food from shops. I became a depraved creature and all day I ate and puked no matter where I was. The lowest point has to be the day I made nic pull over to the side of the road and I puked there in full view of the world or perhaps it was the day that I ate my dogs food because I was so hungry and nothing could fill me.
Age current: Anorexia Nervosa purging type vomiting and laxatives. Now I've gone full circle and eat sometimes every other day. All my food and most liquids are purged and the obsession with scales and numbers is extreme.
So when I went with nic to the supermarket I had purchased 8 kilos of dogfood, bath soap, toilet paper and one pack of spinach tortellini. They are sitting in the fridge but I am too scared to eat them and too tired to throw them up. So they sit there and secretly I hope they will stay there today I stepped on the scales at 47kilos or 104lbs a BMI of 16. I don't look it though its ridiculous my bones hurt as they didg through my skin yet I'm drowning in the fat I see. Is there anyway I can be saved. Why do they make me wait so long when I ask for help. I have no choice but to keep going because I am driven by a devil which beats me if I dare to stop.
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