Friday, July 15, 2005
Just so tired
Its 10:54am I feel like I have woken from a 100 year sleep. It was the first real sleep i had in three days. Sitting in the dark with sunglasses on because your eyes are so sensitive to light does not count. I joked to Theo it might take less effort for me to just roll out of bed. It was so hard to get up so I just lay there and let Theo give me those little wrinkly bulldog snuffle kisses while i felt my bones in their new openess as they dug into the bed and seemed to try to burst out of my skin. Yes Ive lost weight Im too scared to get on the scales right now i just am drinking a cup of fat free hot chocolate with water and until I throw that up I cannot weigh. I have this intolerable feeling of fullness bloating and stomach pain after the consumption of anything. If I sit down I can squeeze my stomach and it will make horrible noises with each squeeze. Strange how much things change. I hated been bulimic I guess I still am but at least my BMI is lower. No more long lists of countless kilos of food devoured. No Im not even sure last time I ate. No wait 2 days ago I had a slice of bread with no margerine only because there was none. Even those small items bread or an apple has to be purged. It is so much harder on my body and my vive to be purging. When I was anorexic sure I felt tired and exhausted but now Im just dead. I have been keeping up with my treatment. I see my doctor weekly and my gp every other week. I just had a ECG last week. It was abnormal suprise suprise. I had extra beats and an uneven rhythm my doctor says the heart muscle is deteriorating. He says if I keep going like this I will have a heart attack. My heart cant deal with all this. So what do I do?? I was supposed to be going into the inpatient program at the Ashburn in JUNE but there was an "emergency" and I was pushed back again. Then on the news there was features about how eating disorder treatment in New Zealand is inadequate and how many others were also waiting.
I have been restricting for 83 days now no more than 300 calories a day on average. I also have not touched a drop of alcohol. I am stone cold sober and boy life is no prettier sober is it. Really though I do not feel so dismal. My meds are working well and you should see my gorgeous gorgeous boy Theo. He is so massive a huge white HEAVY ball of wrinkles. My new friends are coming over today and they will weigh Theo for me. I cant pick him up anymore. Im guessing he weighs about 33kilos. Theo my darling has also now proven his cleverness. He is my own little wonder dog. For the cost of one biscuit or other tidbit he will shake your hand or lie down :) We are working on more tricks! My friends who are coming over are most lovely. I have known Mark for sometime he is a lovely boy and I feel very close to him and like to offer him support, and love whenever I can. He also has no family and I know how that feels. He introduced me to Robin and his girlfriend Chonny. They are so nice and come to visit me at home and are so understanding of my fear to go out. Chonny and I are going to sew curtains and she is going to teach me to make a dress from a pattern her nana gave her. We both like cross stich, knit badly, love dogs, love gardening and are painfully shy. She doesnt have many friends either and I feel so blessed to have met them. Well I better get dressed have to go to the doctors soon. Well if Nic is back his lovely girlfriend Jen is here for the weekend and they are out I forgot to ask yesterday. I really cant miss my appointment today. Its been almost 3 weeks since Dr Green saw me I think I have lost 4-5 kilos since then. Ive been told I look gaunt. I kind of want him to notice but I dont. Im scared. Today I am taking my "Book" with me. I really am. I have to show him the madness in which I am living. My book contains pages of hand drawn graphs, daily food logs, and 12 weigh ins per day. Pages and Pages of calculations and numbers. I will sit for 3 - 4 hours just staring at those numbers willing them to go lower and hating myself more. There is no more sanity in the room in my head. Someone is gone and they left the door wide open. I just fell of the step but no one was there to catch me.
I bumped my head.
MAdness lets rename this the diary of a mad woman. You should not expect any less and really if i act strange or mad its starvation and never sleeping. Good bye Diary.
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