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Nichole (memystery) wrote,
@ 2003-07-07 20:23:00
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    Current mood: gloomy
    Current music:Country music (Depressing) <--- normally don't listen to it.

    Grandma... I just want to tell you that I love you.
    So it has been EXACTLY 2 months and 35min since my closest relative has died. Grandma... I just want to tell you that I love you. Grandma... This is for you.

    Dearest Grandma,
    I love you so much. I really miss you. Why did you have to die? Why did you choose to smoke? I'm sitting here balling my eyes out. I love you. I really do. I am sorry that I choose not o come visit you after Easter. I was so scard, and I hated seeing you like that. I will never forget the last time I saw you. You were lieing the hospital bed in the living room. I could barely understand some of the stuff you were saying, but I tried. You had that thing covering your mouth. And it was helping you breath. And... I sat in the living room with you the WHOLE time I was there. Right on the couch.. Right next to you grandma. I love you so much. I can barly breath because I am crying so hard right now. It was on Easter, and I remeber how as soon as I got in the house I gave you my soccer picture... And you loved it... You really did. Your face lit up when you saw it. We were watching some Holy movie... I think it was called 3 kings or something. And I promise to you... I payed more attention to you then that movie. I love you Grandma. You have no idea how much you are missed. I remeber leaving the house, and giving you a hug and a kiss saying that I love you, and you said I love you too. Then I was a dumb idiot and refused to come visit you. I was too scard, because seeing you made me so upset, and believe me... I regret that. Then Katie spent the weekend with you... Not me though. I was to fucking dumb. I am so sorry. Please don't hate me, but even if you do... I still love you. So then On Wednseday night from what I hear... everyone was at your house. Well... Everyone but Katie, Joey, and myself. I heard that as you were dieng in the living room... Everyone was smoking. As you could barely breath... Everyone (but Aunt Patty and her boyfriend) was smoking. Making it worse for you. This would be your last vision. Grandma... You were dieing in front of everyone because of lung cancer... And everyone around you had a ciggerette in their mouths. Like they were ignoring you. So I was at Aunt Debbies while all this was happeining. At 8pm... Uncle Bill tells me Your grandma passed away. I kinda looked at him, and said are you serious. I know he was, but like I was just shocked. His reply was (With a cokcy attitude) Would I joke about something like that. So there I was. Trying not to believe that you died. I first called Mr. Benes. No answere... Then I called Kristine... WE talked for a long time. And then that saturday was your wake/funeral thing. At first I didn't want to go up there... but I did. I knelt down... and just stared. It didnt really look like you. So I kinda was in denial. I kept saying things like Grandma... stop playing games... I know your alive... You can't be dead... NAh.. not you... You love me to much. Your a fighter... That's why your not dead. I left for a little while (Hey I'm not crying right now!) I went to that room where they have food and stuff. I saw Katie... She was smoking. The bitch was smoking! Does she not see what it did to you?? So I came back to you... Where you wre laying. I was made, and I was like wake up grandma... Stop this... It is not funny anymore. When it was time for us to go to the church we got to say our last good-byes. I did kiss you on the cheeck a few times before. You were cold, and your skin was kind of hard. But as we said or last good-byes I put my hand over yours. And I will never forget that Grandma. (Oh jeese I'm crying again) As we drove to the church... We passed your house, and then put a rose on your doorstep. It was beauiful. I wish you could have seen all those cars for you... It was truly amazing. So We got to the church. Katie and I wrote Eulogy's. I still have mine. I made people cry grandma... It was beautiful. I got so many compliments. Then... that was it. We left the church and went to the restaurant. Nothing is the same without you. I love you grandma. So here I am now. I remeber so much about you. I draw pictures and stuff of memories I have, and put them in a notebook. I will never forget how you would always say to me "Your a Hunny and the bee's don't know it" You said it in a cheerful voice that always made me smile. I remeber when I was little I put my hand on your head, and I said... "You have a birdsnest on your head" At first you were a lil offended by it, but then I exlained what I meant and how I thought that, and you played along with it. Evertime I would see you at partys and things you would always mention it. I love you grandma. One thing I will always remember, and NEVER forget... It was on a sunday. And I came to visit you in the hospital. You were happy to see me, just as I was to see you. I am not sure how it came up, but you asked "Is Katie still smoking?" I nodded my head yes. You loked dissapointed. Then you looked at me, and asked... well more like told me. Your not smoking are you? I looked at you so proud of myself, and said... "Never grandma... Not me... I don't need that, and neither does Joey" You said well I guess your the only good ones in the family. Grandma I want to update you, and tell you that I am still smoke free, and so is Joey. And it is because of you... that I WILL never smoke in my life. You are my inspiration. I love you grandma. I don't want to end this letter to you, because for some reason I feel like you are listing... But I doubt it. I wish that I believed in God, and heaven. It would make this so much easier. I wish I believed that you were looking down on me. Everyone else in the family says that you are giving them signs... And if this is true... Keep it up. I love you so much grandma. You were such an amazing person, and I will never forget you. Keep on smiling, stay the sweet heart that you are, I love you, and guess what... "Your a Hunny and the bee's Don't know it!"
    Yours Truly,
    Nichole Marie

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2003-07-08 23:13 (link)
aww that made me cry!! i remeber when my grandma died, it was 2 years ago tho but i remeber it like it was yesterday. I was the only one that wasnt there with her before she died. But i ended up knowing before my parents. It tore me apart and i totally know where ur coming from, i wish my grandma was still alive. Before she died she gave me this old jewlery box that plays this song that makes me cry everytime i open it. sometimes i just let it play for hours at a time and think about how much i loved her and how stupid i felt when i realized that i blew my last chance to say goodbye and that i loved her because i was a afraid to see her in the nursing home slowly passing away. I know the exact feeling that u felt... I hope everything works out well for you..

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Re: awww
2003-07-09 10:46 (link)
Thanks for your reply. That means a lot that you would reply. Unfortanitly I was not able to make the choice weather I was wih her when she died. No kids were allowed. My cuz (same age 16 as me) And my brother (15) I am still mad that I was not there with her. Sorry about your grandma as well. Thanks agian for your reply!

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