|Current mood:|| discontent|
|Current music:||various artists- for the lady|
It has been a long time since I last felt the way I do in this moment. I meant to write about my x-mas day and all the lovely gifts, the typical Monfared holiday fights, etc instead... I am in a different state. I..... ugh I have typed and deleted the words a million times right now. I am hyper aware of ... as corny as it may sound... I am so aware of my non identiy. my non being. and my belonging to humanity. Of unity. And no it has nothing really to do with Christmas. It's watching "Control Room" for the second time and that god damn buddhism crap rattling round my empty little head. This thing I feel is whatever is lacking from those in the world who fail to measure life with the weight it deserves, those who fail to place themselves in the shoes of others. Why can I do this? Why can't so many others do this? It is such a simple thing and yet I think it may be the very thing to save our world. I am so damn tired of the pain my empathy causes me and having it is what makes me feel so ashamed of wanting to turn it off. Tonight as all my lovely Christmas gifts are strewn around my room, unsure of their place, as my parents sleep in peace in our lovely new home, as my brother parties with friends, as the love of my life rests in perfect safety and peace, as my sister experiences the joy of her first christmas as a married woman, as all who I know dream with no real worries, as all of this is being taken for granted by myself and countless other, there are some who are experiencing such pain as I will never know for even one second of my life. and yes it has been uttered so many times before and in ways more eloquent than mine but I still will ask: why? Why, why why? how can I feel so much a part of humanity and yet so lonely all at once? Why do I feel like the only person who wants to know this? Why do I feel like the only person who thinks about this once the tv has been turned off, the newspaper laid to rest?
How can our administration live with themselves? What is going through their minds? I am so fucking tired of rhetoric and politics, I just want truth and reality. Just come clean tell me with your own mouth that the life of an Iraqi is not as precious as that of an American, tell me with your mouth Mr. Bush that you will call up men and women to serve our country and then cut their benefits so you can give tax cuts that only really benefit the wealthiest of our country. Tell me you do this because all that really matters is keeping your rich friends happy. Yes and let us not forget the "Christians" who you confuse with your twisted lies. People whose ideologies so easily lend themselves to manipulation and confusion. And I have begun to understand them better I think, the hate for them has grown so stale and I can see them more clearly now. But it doesn't make it much easier to understand them. They mean well I think, I do believe it. But you mr. bush you and your friends, you can't possibly for one second feel the weight of a dead Iraqi child, the weight of a dead American soilder, you can't feel that weight. If you did, you wouldn't do what you do. And for shame on you. You make me feel a bit sad for being an atheist. I think I would feel a little bit better if I really did believe in hell as I am sure if there was a hell you would surely burn there for eternity for your sins.
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