| Current mood: |  melancholy |
| Current music: | Coldplay - Shiver |
It's finally up
Well I've finished posting all the entries of my old journal.
I feel it's important to me to keep all this memories of this dark life I used to have.
Things have changed; I'm not in love with Danny anymore… life's ironic; now my boyfriend is Max. And I am deeply in love with him. It all happened all of the sudden, when I was in the worst part of my life, I though about suicide a lot and everything was wrong until something funny happened.
I started feeling the weird need to talk with him; I just missed him as a friend. We talked and he was incredible strong, he was like 'I'm gonna try with you again and again so we better stop talking' and that was wow! So we tried to avoid each other, but he couldn't after all LOL. He started being nice with me all over again… and I rejected him all the time.
Until one day, Thursday 24 October of 2002. I got to the university for an exam a little too early and I found him pretty sick alone in the classroom, he was about to faint, he had a headache and he looked bad. I couldn't help but feel worried, so I stayed with him, until we were told that we could do the exam another day so I took him to his home and stayed with him taking care of him.
We laid together in his bed, and then something weird happened and it's that I actually felt good and attacked by him for the first time in the 2 years we've been friends and he's being stalking me!... well, then one thing lead to another and we ended up kissing… the most tender, sweet and loving kiss someone has ever given to me…
I cried and I told him that he must be patience that I loved my freedom and I knew he would 'cut my wings' and all that sort of shit.
He felt better so I left to a business lunch I had with my boss and a couple of friends {actually with a guy I was flirting with!}. when I left his home I started feeling guilty because that kiss meant a lot for him, he talked with his friends and he said that we were now a couple… LOL… and in that moment I didn't feel it *that* important…. Nothing had changed for me, I was still in love with Danny and I had a couple of good amazing guys wanting to have something with me…. Unfortunately Max didn't mean anything for me.
Whatever, the following Monday I broke with him… and I *really* broke his heart… but I felt I did the right thing after all, he couldn't be living in a lie, thinking that I was finally in love with him, when I didn't feel a thing.
After that I had a really intense meeting with one of my guys… he was a rich guy indeed, lived in the best part of this city and we did all kind of crazy stuff… but honestly all I ever wanted to do with a guy, it was amazing, we fucked in his Jacuzzi!... ok, it was amazing… after the crazy night we had, we just stopped talking like we did. It's like if somehow he used me and I used him… because after that I didn't feel all that obsessed with Danny, it's like I had one of the most amazing experiences in my life, a real love affair with a complete estranger that ended up to be way better lover than Danny… it helped me a lot…
I there I was, my life in a mess, on the button of my misery; my family hated me, Danny was just like always, like just there, Max broken-hearted hating me, my new lover avoiding me just like I was avoiding him, all my friends telling me that my new lover was the best chance I could ever had in my life to be ok {single, mid-30's guy, foreigner, rich, great lover…}, Danna hating me, Jez forgot completely about me, and the worst part of it is that I couldn't stop thinking about Max and feeling guilty.
So, in that week I noticed that Max got sick again, and started doing silly stuff, like taking pills supposedly to 'calm down the pain' and I got really mad at him when I found out… we had a fight {I didn't know why I care, if he was supposed to be just my friend.} and after that he send me and e-mail with this wonderful song from Hoobastank - "running away" and I felt like it was true… just like a cheap movie, I felt that I was running away form him, because -no matter how much I hated the idea- I had started to have feeling for him…
Next Saturday we were making out in his house again… and I just said 'what the hell' and accepted to be his girlfriend. He promised me he would stop taking those pills, and I promised him that I would just try, nothing more.
And time passed by and I fell in love with him, cuz he's the most sweet guy I've ever met. It was like all it should be, cuz all my problems started to solve; I stopped fighting with my family, I had good grades, I could even pay for the next semester, I got a permanent job… and after all, I could finally say 'I love you' out loud feeling it was from the hearth.
I stopped seeing Danny and I become a better person!!! I stopped flirting with other guys, and now it's all about my Max.
That's a little summary of what happened with me all this months… I still have thing to talk about my past… things I don't want to put in my normal journal, cuz I don't want Max to read it, but it's all about my dark life, that I cannot simply deny.
(Post a new comment)
(Post a new comment)
|
