Mary Anne (mary_anne) wrote, @ 2002-07-15 14:43:00

Summary...that's why I can't handle diaries
Well well... lot of things happened last month.
Jez came back from Mexico. I got half-paid for my job (they still owe me half). I invited everyone for lunch, witches and stupid stuff. I paid debts. I lend money. I got drunk with Ian on Thursday. I got drunk with Lisa on Saturday. We almost kissed on Monday (she ran away... it's normal, but it's pretty disappointing). I did the nooky with Danny on Wednesday. I got flu again. this time Jez spent Friday and Saturday with me taking care of me. we talked, and hell yeah, we are over.
I knew it, she knew it, all my friends knew it, but I needed to hear it once again from her. She loved me, and that was the most unbearable pain in the ass. I didn't love her with the same intensity and that's my big sin. now she's over it. she loves me in a friendly way.... now I would die for her, and she is just... so cold so over it... damn.
Now my life is a mess. ok, I've always been in a mess, but yet again I'm confused and bored and sort of depressed and sad and feeling like shit... I guess it's all matter of time... life always has this very interesting way of surprise you.
My story it's like so many I heard everyday. It's the same old thing about love and not-love. about irony. but I still can't believe it is happening to me... shit.
I regret so many things... yeah I do. I feel so stupid, how couldn't I see what a wonderful woman was by my side loving me?? and the funniest part is that it's happening again... Danna. I can't take that out of my mind... she's so cute and sweet and hell she loves me.... but I can't love her... why?????? I feel like shit... scared that it's going to happen again, but I can't stop it... I can't pretend that I love her... because I don't....
And it's awful. I try to convince myself that it's different but it's somehow the same shit. she loves me-I don't. she will leave me-I will miss her to the point of getting obsessed. I will ask her another chance-she will say "no".
same shit all over again... and I can't stop it.
I don't know what I want to do with my life and all the shit I am in... I don't wanna loose her... but somehow I wanna start all over again. forgetting and alone. start again... and I can't do it. how??!?? it's impossible. Besides it would be like running away from all my problems. And that's not possible.
So... I have to fix everything that's wrong with me, right?... I wonder how... Now ironically I want to be studying again, I'm tired of this vacations... I don't want to think anymore... I'm loosing it and it freaks me out.
I still don't know what to do...