|Current mood:|| lonely|
|Current music:||me crying|
That thing they talk about...
So today i finally noticed it. you know, that thing-- that weird thing inside me everyone keeps referring to. the thing that prevents me from saying yes when everyone (repeatedly, every single day) asks me if i'm okay. cuz i'm not. and i used to be depressed but now i'm just... i'm fucking alone. this is it, this is all.
today was the absolute worst. in the morning all that happened was a glare all the way down the hallway from alysia, and me and ali and meg standing with cory and phil davis. when clayton came in i didnt' even get to talk to him because he went right to showen and all of her friends. i walked by them like 3 times and he didn't so much as say hi to me. in bio all i really did was walk around like a ghost while everyone else ate their stupid yogurt and laughed and joked. and i thought. i thought that this is what i've become: i don't talk to anyone, i spend all my time floating around like a ghost, my most significant conversations just being small exchanges of words about how i hated the homework and what i want for lunch. every single one of my friends is busy with something else. aly has natalie and kristen and krissy and vicki and nick. hilary has felisha and natalie. meg and ali have each other. jen has sarah manijak. chrissy has an entirely new circle of friends. katie despises me. krissy and i barely talk all that much anymore. paige has everybody. jamie has bedes. phil is now all tight with joey and zach. everyone else was never really all that close to me anyway. i mean, i guess me and amelia are kind of good friends, but if there wasn't track that wouldn't exist. same with amber-- we only talk when we happen to be in the same place, neither of us go out of our way to hang out or anything. even clayton... he's got showen and all her friends and all these other people i've never even seen before. we've barely talked this week at all.
and this is my normal thing, too. i don't really talk to anyone. i sit in class and i listen or i space out, and i do my work when i'm asked and i don't goof off anymore. i go to track and do bare minimum. i come home and space out and do homework and then push myself to carry on a conversation with clayton-- which works on a 50/50 basis, but as much as i love talking to him i've been so drained lately.
but okay, tonight we were supposed to go see joseph. aly bought us out a whole row. i told meg about 600 times to call me when she figured out how we were going to get there, and it was 6 and she still hadn't called. so i called. and no one picked up. and i called twice after that, too, and no one picked up. and now if i decide to go to the play i have to go alone, and sit there waiting for the rest of the row to get there, and i don't want to do that. i don't even want to be near them, because they obviously don't want to be near me. i burst into tears and didnt' stop for fifteen minutes, and then i called mom and told her i wasn't going. she asked why and i told her. she asked if i felt sick and i said no, cuz she said i was sniffly. i told her i'd been crying. she offered to drive me over there but i told her i'd rather stay home. and then i hung up as quick as i could and cried some more. this really sucks... i mean, i just wanted to see the play, and i thought that since meg and ali shared the same feelings i did on this whole subject of friends that they'd let me in a little. but they won't, they refuse to be anymore than a duo. so now i'm stuck here, alone, on a friday night, while everyone is either at joseph or at the cancun, and i am going to be crying and watching movies the entire time. god... this is really it. this is it. i just want to die, i never want to deal with my stupid fake friends ever again. they're all bastards and they all hate me and i hate them and i just wish i weren't alive anymore. it's not worth it to waste my energy trying to get them to acknowledge i'm around them, they can go fuck themselves for all i care, god. if they dont' want me anymore, i'm not going to put up a fight. and i'm not going to humor them by making small talk when they finally get bored enough to speak to me. FUCK THEM. jesus, i just... what the hell has happened to me?
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