| Current mood: | fucked up |
| Current music: | the cars on the highway prove to be entertaining |
I am not well
I want to call someone and just cry. Today was absolutely horrible.
I woke up and had some cinnamon rolls, then got dressed and stuff… I don’t know why, but I was in the mood to do something today. Mom said her and gram were going to the mall and to the Master Stirfry for lunch, so I decided to go. When gram came she brought cupcakes. Bean wanted one but mom said not till after lunch, and then I proceeded to take one and eat it, since I was leaving for lunch anyway. All of a sudden bean goes in her room and starts crying and gram comes back out of there going “she’s upset because Karlie took a cupcake and she doesn’t get one” and mom screamed her head off at me for “ruining everything like always”. I stormed out to the car and gram followed. And she said something to me and I said “oh yeah, I just love hearing her yell. It really makes me appreciate the moments she’s not at work.” and gram goes “remember what happened last time you said bad things like that.” I knew she was referring to Sophie. I said “yeah and it’s my fucking fault sophie died, right?” and her only reply was to not say fuck. And I cried… a lot. Silently, though. We drove to the restaurant and I ate heaps of rice and chicken and beef and had lots of “pesi” and ate even more rice. I called clayton to taunt him, but he was all enthralled with spending time with his cousins, so we only talked for about 2 minutes. After that we went to the mall where I got two new books and two new cds, and then we went to target where I bought flip-flops, and we came home. And mom yelled at me more and I cried again and I’m still feeling like shit for it.
So I tried thinking of something to do. I was halfway hoping clayton would call so I could come see his cousins, the cute ones. But he hasn’t and I don’t blame him… he’s probably having a great time with them, laughing and stuff and his mom doing hilarious things. His family get-togethers are like that. Mine end with my grandma going schitzo on everyone, my aunt drunk, carrie talking about her latest suicide attempt and mom feeling shitty of sophie. Nobody wins when my family is together. Well after I thought of that, I decided to clean my room. That didn’t get anywhere-- I just figured I would mess it back up in 2 days anyway. So then I decided to sort out my clothes, but that was even more useless because I hate all my clothes and who cares if they’re clean? I don’t wear them anyway. Then I went on the internet, but no one was on. Then I continued reading The Bell Jar, but that didn’t work out all too well either… Esther keeps trying to kill herself, and it just depresses me further because the more I read, the more I wish I were in her shoes. We’re practically the same anyway: we’re both smart, and both want to be writers even though we don’t have much talent, and we both are depressed and have no clue what to do with ourselves. And I felt really shitty after that, cuz my only decent attempt on suicide is now sitting somewhere at Clayton’s house… damn him, anyhow. I almost wonder if I have homework… if so, I don’t want to do it. I just want to sleep, or run away, or do something constructive with myself.
Maybe I will run away… just for a week or so. I’ll take out my cash in the bank and get a ticket to California and take my sleeping bag with me so I can sleep under the stars on the beach, and get tan, and meet a few new people, and then come back home all refreshed and rested and ready to figure out my life again. It just depresses me to know that I can’t. Sister-killers aren’t allowed any time to refresh themselves… they’re doomed to live guilt-filled lives. I want to talk to clayton, but he’ll only tell me how much fun he’s having with his cousins and I’ll get more depressed pretending I’m happy for him. Even though I really am-- I wish I had a family that loved me, too.
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