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Mar (markat) wrote,
@ 2004-05-20 18:56:00
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    Current mood: confused
    Current music:donovan - universal soldier

    wow i am getting to be such a slacker. Must be my 40pg PSC thats due on monday...and it sucks ass...bad. Oh well, i guess it could be much worse...i could be just starting it!
    Ok so not too much has been going on, just lots and lots of school...blech...just make it till friday i think, then its all good...unless darn angelone makes us take the final later..which she probably wont because shes such a slaker with grading...thankfully. One of the few times being a slacker turns out great for all parties...she gets to deal with us for a shorter time..and we get out earlier. thank god.
    and tn. thats scary. but awesome. im really excited. i dont even know exactly when im leaving, but its still awesome. maybe i should find out lol I dont even know when classes start..which i should. and i have to register for classes..ugh i hate doing stuff like that. i dont even know what i get credit for AP wise, or what it counts for. that has me in a mad tizzy, but i know i can do this. i HAVE to be able to do this.
    Mom and i made a deal. if i hate southern then i can leave after a year. So at least i have that. i dont think i'll hate it, but maybe it will be too hard for me after...yeah...after that. Heck, i dont know how hard its going to be for me to go down there and see him and live near him, and, well and i dont know. i know what i THINK, but thinking seems to always get me in trouble. well,, so does wanting i guess, because i know what i want, or at least what me tells me i want. So what exactly is want? is it lust? is it desire? is it a carnal need? is it just whatever each person percieves it to be? Ugh i think too much, but i want to have a solid plan of action before i go down and let my emotions rule me yet again, and probably get hurt...again. and i really dont need that along with everything else that will be going along...well the whole hurt thing. there are other things i definately want, but again, it seems that they go hand in hand. So whats wrong with making life easier, eh? Maybe highschool IS better, at least it some regards...still have mommy to help...even when you dont want her to! lol.
    I think i know what i want most in life. I want to know a great love, that is so deeply reciprocated. i know i hurt someone so deep when he thought thats what it was, but my heart has always been somewhere else, for better or for worse. wont seem to leave, no matter how hard i try. So someone want to help me with my dilemma? blah..moving on to outlining 50 pages of text so i can still be the star student we all know and want to kill!

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