| Current mood: | okay |
| Current music: | Keith Sweat - I'll Give All My Love To You |
I want your love..
Back in Los Angeles, probably imposing on Brody again. Heh. I spent last night sitting on the cliffs, sitting there bought so many memories back. Memories that are long long gone but will never die. Jumping off the cliff and into the water. I remember that. I remember the rush of adrenaline that would sweep over me right before my feet would leave the edge. Those were the days when nothing bothered me. I was drama-free and all I cared about was hitting that water and swimming around. So for old time's sake,I leaped. Clothes and all.
I had no idea how much I missed that until I was suspended in the air and flying downward. Soon as I resurfaced from the water, the biggest smile was on my face. I miss having no cares at all. All the crazy shit I plled back in the days, I wish I could bring that all back. I stayed in the water for most of the night. Laying there on the water, staring at the sky and reminiscing.
I wished that Kat was there sharing that. One of the most vivid memories I had had to do with an ice cream truck and two water-filled waterguns. The look on the guy's face was priceless. Man, I miss that. That was all before my babies, before my pregnancy, before my marriage, long before Joel. That's when I didn't give two shits about anything. Kat and I had so many awesome memories together. Like running around in the streets in the middle of a downpour, chasing cars and throwing mud around. If I had a time machine, I'd turn the clock back to that moment before we ran out of the house like two crazy lunatics.
Growing up changes you so much. The moment you look down to see your stomach swelling in pregnancy is when you realize you need to stop fucking around because you've got someone else to care for. Your own self is just not a priority anymore. Don't get me wrong, Daniel and Trent are the greatest blessings in the world, but I guess everyone just wishes they could go back in time at least for a moment sometimes.
When I compare the person I am now to the person I was, I see such significantly huge changes. Differences that speak of the volume of change. I know that for the most part, I'm still the same person that my friends know. I'm still willing to run around and knock over an ice cream truck, or go jumping off cliffs. But on the other hand, I worry about a completely different part of my life. The part that has two growing babies and a husband who's quickly growing more distant than a stranger I've never met before. And maybe that's just me, you know? The paranoid part of me that says that my marriage might fall apart soon. I dont know anything anymore.
God, it's not often I voice my worries this way, but I'm only nineteen years old, I shouldn't have all these worries dancing around in my head. A lot of the time, I forget that I'm nineteen. I feel so much older most of the time. I'm not even twenty and I feel like shutting myself in a dark corner and going to sleep. I'm tired a lot now. Just weary. Tired of myself. I want to be held and lately I feel like it's just too much to ask. Like I don't deserve to be held and to be told that everything's okay.
I need to stop whining and just suck up my worries. They're no use to me right now. I'm a big girl, this shouldn't faze me.
Last night, I forgot about now and went back in time. And that's why I jumped.
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