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I'm just a singer, you're the world (lunasueno) wrote,
@ 2006-05-13 20:47:00
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    Current mood: mellow

    "It's not the end, but it sure aint where I began"
    So, I have finally mastered the task of completely numbing myself to everything that is going on around me. I just don't think I could deal with it if I fully acknowledged what a mess my life is in at the moment. Unhealthy? Maybe, but I'm not going to worry about that. I've never liked change, heck, I cried when they got rid of the Arby's in the mall! How am I going to handle graduating? This is why I do not appreciate Mr. Wall. He makes me depressed. When I think of his class I think of suicide, the mofia and the brick wall in the "Handmaid's tale" that dead people hung off of. And now he wants me to write a paper that seems more like a eulogy than an essay.

    Mr. Mengel has given me two goodbye speeches already, told me how much he was going to miss me...I dont even want to think about the concert...

    And now I'm going to prom with Adam... it makes you wonder why things didn't happen sooner...

    Oh well, I still have a lot to look forward to! I hope prom is fun, I am a little worried...I just cant get it together. I know I need to start working out the details but this whole numb thing just doesnt allow me to. Oh well, I would wonder if my lack of organization bothers him but as long as his appetite for jill miller is still "bottomless"...I guess I'm good, haha.

    I have not regretted any of the changes that happened this year. Hindsight really is 20/20. If this wasnt so long..I would send it to postsecret...but here's my little secret....every time I see that my ex-pastor is outside his house, getting into his car or something, I make sure I speed up so that I'm driving at least 65 when I pass his house, not to mention that I roll the windows down and blare the music. I dont know, it's kind of a thrill for some reason to have him watch me "his lost sheep" go by, and wonder where he went wrong and what kind of trouble I'm in now that I'm not part of his "flock." And honestly, although I do partially want to make him feel like he failed me, I also act like some troubled emo teenager in the hopes that maybe he'll pray for me. I can never get enough prayers.

    I dont know maybe I'm crazy, but it is also really fun to tailgate him all the way to the fourway stop and not have to feel guilty about it the next sunday...

    I'm glad I got out of there, I'm glad that I dont talk to Phil anymore and I'm glad that I can buy earrings from a certain ex and make him so uncomfortable that he forgets to add the tax.

    Things are always changing for the better in that department...I think I'm happy with the direction things are headed.

    There's lightening outside the window and rain five feet above my head...I always think its cool that you never feel it but you can see it like that. It's so nice to feel protected and not so alone. I really should just have faith. I know that God would not let my future consist of me standing exposed in the middle of some terrible storm...I've never not been able to handle things. It's all gonna be okay. "It's not the end, but it sure aint where I began."

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