| Current mood: |  quixotic |
| Current music: | Only Hope- Mandy Moore |
Soul Searching
There's a song that's inside of my soul
Its the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I will wake in the end when it calls
But you sing to me over and over and over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope
Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope
I give you my destiny
I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs
I'm giving it back
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours i pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope
- Mandy Moore
"We make a journey, but from where to where?" I ask. What is my journey? Where am I headed? There are so many questions that flow through my mind every countless minute of the day that I can't even begin to try to find the answers. For the most part, I feel like I'm on an endless, barren search for answers that aren't there- why? I ask why, but again- I'm mislead to another question that I can't answer.
I feel like life is one big ominous question. I don't know where it starts because sometimes I feel a sense that I've been in a situation similar, but can't seem to figure out where and when it was. Then, I feel like I'm not grown- I feel like my mind has so much more growing to do, but I don't know how. I don't know how to reach the answers that I crave, and I'm restless.
It's been a long time since I've actually sat down and wrote. I used to write all the time, and I still have everything on paper before I decided that the computer was an easier way to make my thoughts flow faster. They were mindless stories- ones that to me, were intriguing and interesting- but to others, were a photograph of my life transformed.
Yet, the writing that I've been doing is a collection of thoughts. More or less, I've included all of them in this journal- something that I thought was a silly idea in the first place. I didn't quite understand how a journal could actually help me look back on how I've grown as a person- and realize how much more growing I have to do.
I've been questioning everything. Maybe it's just my general nature to read too much into everything, but at the same time I think I have legitimate arguments for my thoughts. I guess I question a lot about why things happen a certain way, and whether there is someone up there guiding me. I feel like there is- I feel a presence of a divine power up there that initially controls the universe. And if there is this presence, this power, then why does it guide certain people in certain ways? Why are some driven through so much hardship, why are some given so much fortune? Why do others go into crime? Are psychoanalysis just a cop-out for psychologist's lack of really understanding the human consciousness? I mean, yes, we know how the nerves work, but do we really know how humans think- how can we categorize one person as bipolar and another person as sane when both have similar tendencies?
Is life all together one big cop-out? Why do certain people endure such pain? Why do others seem so lucky with love?
I guess initially emotion is where I probably concentrate my studying. I've been reading a lot lately- I have at least five books sitting in front of me, each paged with things that I've read that I would like to remember.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a younger body and then an older heart, one that's withstood the test of time. It may sound very na?ve of me to remotely say that, as well as even arrogant- but at the same time, I believe I understand the essence of love, but at the same time question it all and then wonder why I question it- for love has no reasons, no excuses, no plans and absolutely no justifications. "Love is the wind that sweeps in from the east making us unsettled, restless, uncomfortable." I wonder how someone that's so independent in most everything can suddenly be dependent on another person for something so much more important in life than money, cars, or material things. If there really is a power up there, what makes them choose whom that person is that you will fall dependent upon? How do you know they're the right one?
There's so much you can love about a person- their individuality, their insecurities, their hopes and dreams- their soul. In some ways, it's a never-ending journey learning about a person- a stream that continues to flow. At some point, there may be a rock and hard spot that will bind a person in one spot to where they can't understand the other person- but essentially, if it's worth the effort to travel downstream, one can take whatever insecurity, pressure, or persuasion that is persisting them and push forward down the stream. At some points it may be a consistent tide, other times still, and other times fast paced and rolling. One can't predict the rationels of love, just like one can't truly predict the stream's current a day ahead of time. Time is what it takes to truly understand a person, and it depends whether that person is willing to open their doors and let someone into their life. "The river flows toward the sea and crosses many landscapes. So it is with love."
"Love cannot be seen, but it can be felt, it has no substance, yet it is one of the most powerful forces that plays in our lives." Love has all power- it controls everything. A person's passion for life, their dreams, their goals, their motivations- it gives people the competatnce to push forth in life, the motivation to better themselves, and the confidence that they can do it, elevate themselves to the extraordinary. Love for oneself comes first- without a true love of oneself, one can never share completely their love for another.
I sit here and look at the people in my life, almost as if they're standing in a police line. I can look at their image, and millions of memories extend from their face. Memories of happiness, sadness, guilt, pain, anger. All in all, I come to the conclusion that love has no questions- it is something that is understood. It's a strength, conviction, complete knowing. We shouldn't question it- especially if we feel it. We shouldn't choose to love someone, it should just come. It should be something that isn't created, is just realized, passive. Yet, we can't see it, it can only be felt but has no substance. It's not furry, and it can't actually produce a true physical feeling. Yet it can provide that tingle, that excitement that it elevates someone to another level. It's gentle, but exhilarating.
And how dare I say that I know the essence of love because ultimately, I probably don't. It is a universe larger than time and space, and greater than any humanity's achievements. It's too big, too grand to be predicted, and is always vast and transforming, much faster than science. It is so much more.
Love cannot be put into words, and essentially can't be explained. It some sense, should we have to explain it? Love has no social conscience- it's available to everyone, and has no reason or rules and will strike without consequence. Love is not something to keep score of or infringe upon. Time is an essence in everything, and with time, comes space and ultimately growth. What more could love ask for, but growth and patience? Love needs a time to come together, and a time to be apart. It's the heart that we fall in love with, not the month, the date, the time, or even the moment in our lives that we fall in love. A heart can't have a tent, and be suffocated and not be able to grow- it needs space, so that eventually, it can come back together stronger and more able to love than before. "Keep your hearts together but your tents separate." (Bedouin proverb)
Love is bittersweet. The ending is what you make of it, and as I said before, I'm convinced that there is no ending to love- only beginnings, and past beginnings transformed. Love shouldn't ask whether one deserves something, much less someone, or not- good or bad, painful or pure- it's a clean slate that allows us to continue to love without question.
I look at my life and ultimately feel blessed for having people in my life that I'm able to love. I could only ask for one thing in life, and that be to be loved and to share love. I would give up anything- a car, a job, anything- to keep those loved in my life. I often wonder if my consistent questioning of life is just futile, and I should just look at it from the standpoint that I am loved. I get lost sometimes, almost like I'm in a crowded subway, oblivious to those around me that could help me to my destination. Sometimes I need someone to give me a wakeup call, to let me know that they're there for me. And I'm grateful to have those people there for me.
I'm grateful that the universe has given me what it has in life. I wouldn't change a thing- not one thing. To go back and change something would ultimately change where I'm sitting now, and I would never want to alter the person that I'm becoming. I love the person I am, the person I'm becoming and the person that I was. I'm proud of where I've failed, I'm proud at where I've succeeded.
Thus, I tend to wonder if questioning life is a silly thing to do- I often wonder if someday I'm going to come across something that's never been questioned before- but at the same time I know that's useless and it probably wouldn't happen. As I sit here and reread what I've wrote, I tend to wonder if I sound absurd. Again, a question.
Life is full of questions, and the best way to go through it is without the answers. Why search for answers when the fun in life is the fact that it's unanswered? Life is a mass amount of things, but most importantly, at the top of my list is love. What's at the top of your list? And I'm sure when you try to answer that question, you'll probably think of multiple things that you could have at the top of your list of what you want in life. Then step back and try to make sense of it to truly see if that's what you want. Only you can determine what kind of a life you will lead, so make it meaningful.
(Post a new comment)
 | Hey Girl! 
(Anonymous)
2003-09-02 23:58
(link) | |
You're not alone in this world:) If you've read anything in my journal, I've been questioning everything too. From life, love, religion, sex, maturity, who I am, what reality is, and why we're here. This is what college is all about; questioning, experiencing, learning, doubting, growing, challenging and living for the moment. I'm so glad that I have someone like you to share in these thoughts. I love who you are too! ~ Morgan (Reply to this) (Thread) |
(Post a new comment)
|
