FramesBlonde (lowkey_liesmith) wrote, @ 2004-10-11 10:47:00

Here goes nothing
The words always leave me when I sit before this screen. Well I'm back at square one. The other night I experienced terrible jealousy...so terrible I almost punched a brick wall just to feel the pain and see my blood so I could dig my hands into my pockets and keep that secret hurt from prying eyes. I was so beside myself, and it seems any wisdom I've gained was squeezed out of my body through my eyes. It thoroughly exhausted me and I was very, very sad afterwards. Something is happening inside me and its really bad. Geez...I know it will soon pass at it always does but its the things I do while its here that worry me. And the resignation afterwards...its so painful it must be somehow detrimental. Its pretty obvious that diet and exercise aren't enough to control this, so I'm seriously considering going to a psychologist. Not that they'll do anything for me...I'm a goddamn open book from someone else's shelf. The chances of them ever getting anything real out of me are pretty slim as I never want anyone to know me. I can't let anyone know me. Its like when I was young I had a record of whale songs. I would sit and listen to the whales singing, and telling stories about their ancient heroes...the whale that saved the entire pod one day by tearing her side on a reef and leading the sharks away from her family, or of the dolphin who formed a special forces unit that could communicate and respond to undersea emergencies from miles away in seconds. Now this record was just recordings of whale sounds but not to me. So am I supposed to explain to some asshole with a Bush '04 sticker on his Benz things like that...about how much I wished I could speak whale so that maybe they could explain to me why I was born an old man with several lifetimes under my belt that I have flashed back to a countless number of times since before I was able to walk, so he could turn around and tell me that I suffer from some overactive imagination delerium that produces endless and ultimately self defeating scenarios and that it leads to a general lack of fullfillment from strategically created, unrealistic expectations about the parts of life that we're not meant to have any control over? Or maybe he'll just call me a sociopath since I'm able to magically make anything that happens about me...Oh I am really hating myself today...

suicidalkween 2004-10-12 21:39 (link)

:\ I was afraid to comment on this because I doubt I can come up with anything half decent. If I was the one who posted this, you would probably come back at me with a comment that made perfect sense, and made me feel really good. All I can really say is that I really hope you feel better and that maybe you should take a chance and let someone know you. What's wrong with letting someone into that wild imagination? Do you really care if someone would consider you a 'sociopath' because of it? I think it's okay for us to imagine things a certain way for those parts of life we have no control over. It sort of gives them a reason to be ... Blah, like I said. I can't comment with anything you don't already know. Feel better sweetie. Love ya <3 Yvette. (Reply to this) (Thread)

:) lowkey_liesmith 2004-10-14 13:10 (link)

Oh Y...this may sound strange but you really always address every concern I may have. Its that attention to detail...that systematic shift of your focus to each topic I write about that I love the most about you. Nothing escapes your discerning eye, and you always have something amazing, albeit sensible to say about it. You always make me feel special and you'd be surprised at the amount of things I don't know. Love ya more> Marcos (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	(Anonymous) 2004-11-07 00:03 (link)
	explain more about the whales did you know that my fav animal is the dolphin and i love the ocean? oh and why were u jealous ? can't wait til' my b-day nov.24-yeah baby (Reply to this) (Thread)

	lowkey_liesmith 2004-11-16 16:17 (link)
	Yes I know you love the ocean. Um...I was jealous because...um...sir's party...um....nevermind. Out (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)