| Current mood: |  crushed |
Hello INSECURITIES
Well anyone who knows me knows i'm a very insecure person. I'm soo insecure no one on this site knows who I really am..because I dont want people to know that I really do feel this way. I put on an image..a lot of people think i'm a very optimistic person..which in a sense I am...but when it comes to me myself and I...I 'm a very pesamistic person..That's probably why I'm Gemini. I do have two sides. A happy me...and then there's the low no worthy of anyhing no one will ever see it me. Well a few people have seen it at one time...but only once. Never do I show them me twice because they just wouldn't understand. I'm FAT...and no I'm not some skinny girl who thinks she's big..I'm big. I have to come to realize that and stop thinking that i'm actually beautiful because I'm not. I keep thinking maybe i have true deep below the surface beauty but when I go looking for it...I find this quivering, pathetic person who's trying to hide away from the world. What is that? I met this really great guy..who's my best friend. All during our friendship I never took it to seriously because I was so wrapped up with my ex...and then when I leaned to my friend for support i began to become a little dependent on him..emotionally. Which wasn't a bad thing because he never took advantage of it nor did he ever make me feel like less of a person. He to this day still hasn't and yet I fear it. I fear the time where I will see him for who he really is even though I think I see him now. Anyways, I began to like him a lot..and stupid ole me told him and told him during a time where his ex came back into his life..but oddly enough he began to like me back. and we've had this relationship..which isn't bad. but a little confusing at times. And now all of a sudden i feel so unsure of myself and so insecure and i've been thinking that maybe he can do better. Maybe he's going downhill with me..his best friend whom I met and thought was really cool and thought he was actually my friend made a comment to him about liking "big" girls because of me. I was referred to as a big girl...and as much as I knew it was true I guess i didnt' want it to be. But that made me realize that he doesn't date big girls...i've seen the girls he has dated and they aren't big..so maybe he made a mistake with me. Maybe it was a fluke accident..and soon he'll realize it was a mistake and tell me that he's going back to his ex. Because he realizes his friend was right...
I CRIED FOR LIKE AN HOUR!! cuz it hurt me so bad. but did he see it? No of course not and I realize that I'm a liar. I put on a smile the whole time he was around me but when i took him home all I did was cry. Cry for realizing that it's all true. That everything I was so happy about was and is a lie. I just realize the lie before he did. And when he realizes it I can feel better...but in the meantime my stomach is in knots when he's around me. I care about him so deeply and sometimes when he's sitting there next to me i just want to hug him but i hold myself back. And he'll never know..unless he reads this but like I said..I'm a good actress. I can put on a scene and hide behind my smile. It works. I once thought people could see through it but they can't. They dont see the tears forming in my eyes...they see the grin i put on. HA HA I get the last laugh. I fooled all of you. I am beginning to realize my abilities. If no one can see the hurt me..they won't have to deal with the stress of the pain i go through. I want to shield them from it. it's too much for them to understand...for anyone to understand.
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