| Current music: | dead poetic - vanus empty |
breathing takes practice, practice we missed, so we dye. end transmission we're giving up...
i dont have much time to update which bothers me because i finally feel like i have somethings to say and i might finally know how to say them.
yet at the same time there are some things i dont even know how to begin to say.
the weather is so drab and peaceful. watching the puddles methodically get hit on their surface with little dimples covering the expanse of the puddle itself. i feel so sleepy yet know i will never be able to actually drift off.
people are mad at me left and right and i cant help it. and maybe since i cant help it, its my fault and im a horrible person who deserves noone or nothing im given. i dont like this akward feeling of not being able to talk to people or looking for a familiar face, but instead finding a dirty look.
i also feel this incredible frustration with lack of time in life. i dont think that i could live any differently and feel satisfied with how i choose to spend my time, or not have people be mad at me for how i spend my time, or have people hurt by how i spend my time. i guess im the complete opposite. if something wasnt there in the first place, the likelihood of it being there in any other way is slim. and i dont like to try and force things.
that made no sense, but i followed it completely in my head.
o no, the nazi is back....
gone~
my tears seep through the crack under my door where i am locked in, shut down. im so tired of picking myself up off the ground
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 | kat
(Anonymous)
2004-03-31 22:28
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YOU CAN HELP IT! you never accept that the things you do actually affect other people, not to mention that there ARE other people. why cant you ever just stop making excuses, and maybe think that sometimes you do have some control over whether or not you hurt people? especially the ones who're close to you? that maybe if you just looked around you once and a while or even cared enough think about someone else that you might not have this problem? and this bull shit about how you spend you time... its almost funny. almost. your almost laughable but then i open my mouth i feel sick instead. i always listen to every single one of your problems, i listen to you whine, i listen to you close to tears, i take care of your drunk ass when theres no one else who will and your whole world is crashing down but whenever i need your understanding its just not there. you NEVER just think about anyone else when it matters. what will always stick out in my mind is when my grandma died and every other one of my close friends were there at her funeral and you couldnt go which i totally unterstand but the next day when i see you what do i get? a consolance? a how are you doing? no. i get a story about your boy friend crazy dave. thanks for being there. every time you offend me, every time you hurt me you never accept responsibility. its never your fault because you didnt think or you "didnt even realize". well you know what? THAT IS YOUR FAULT. your expected to realize. you are so busy shutting people out because your so afraid of being hurt that guess what? your all alone in there. you've grown so big on your own problems that there isnt any room for anyone else. all relationships mean to you is entertainment. how many times have i been dissed ditched or put aside for you to have fun or go hang out with cooler people? i dont even know. and i always get an excuse or something. ALWAYS AN EXCUSE. i should just accept the fact that you cant have a real deep relationship so all you want is the synthetic happiness or the cheap thrill of a joint and ass. (Reply to this) (Thread) |
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