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Choaking on Nothing (lonmyownl) wrote,
@ 2003-12-04 14:43:00
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    Current mood: drained
    Current music:Glassjaw- Im sorry

    death seems so welcoming now...
    Sorry I havent updated. Have sort of been between darkness and light. Like a manic depressive... One moment happy and off the wall (cant stop us now), the other so calm and depressed that I feel dead.

    I dont much feel like writing now.

    I have this one thing in my life to be proud of. One thing I can actually say I have suceeded at. Everything else (school, family, some friends) have dissappeared. All becuause of myself. Last night my dad said I was a failure. He never says these type of things. He proved himself right this morning.

    Stacy, my swim coach, has always been a sort of friend to me. Never really like a coach. Last year I told her about my bisexuality and my smoking. In other words, my downhill spiral. Today. Randomly, after working my ass harder than I have in a long time... she tells Coach D that Ive been smoking. She smoked with me in her car last year. Hypocrit?

    He is the only person I can honestly say believed I was a good person, with talents. I was like a daughter to him. I could do no wrong. He, and the team, were my last resort. My last achievement. I had finally made captain, and I was going to prove to the team that I could do it. If nothing else, this was going to be the thing I was good at.

    Coach was increadably dissapointed. I tried so hard not to cry. Not to think of everything. Everything wrong in my life. To see him that disturbed. To see him realize that I wasnt what he thought I was. To see him wish that he hadn't picked me as captain, broke me. I tried to stay strong in Sams car on the way to school. I couldnt, I never can anymore. Worthless. Waste of fucking human flesh I am.

    He told me he should bench me for the rest of the year. But he wouldn't, because he has respect for me.

    Not only does my mother and family turn away from me, the only person I had left is disgusted with my decisions. Stacy betrayed me. She, herself, bummed one of mine off of me last year. What is going on in my life? what is my problem. I feel like nothing is worth it anymore. What do I have left. Tell me, honestly. If anyone can post a good reason, Ill be eternally greatful. I love my friends. But a person needs more than just friends in their life. They need achievements, love, someone to hold them, someone to look up to them, someone to value their talents.

    Before today, I had never truely, TRUELY thought about actually killing myself. Sure, Ive tried before. I have scars, everyone can see that. But never have I totally wanted it. Wanted it, without any question. And I have witnessed death, face to face. So don't tell me that I don't know what Im talking about.

    Goodnight.


    Post anything that you want, and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love -- anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like. Then, put this in your LJ or DJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realise read your LJ) have to say.



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(Anonymous)
2003-12-04 15:39 (link)
i wish i could tell u something that i cant

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(Anonymous)
2003-12-04 16:40 (link)
katie i know its a real low for you right now, i know how terrible it can feel. i know how easy it is to thinking about just leaving this sucky world for good. i know how the mind can wonder to the different ways of doing it. i know how the body can want to try. its not worth it. i tried before, and luckily, the rope broke. im ashamed of even tellin you that i did that, but i feel like maybe if u heard this from someone else, we can relate. youre too early in life to end it. i mean god kept you here this long.. and through all the shit u've been put through, a brighter side is bound to come. no lie. u will go as low as possible. its a test of strength. and katie, you ARE strong. stay strong babe. dont let anyone or anything get the best of you. fuck everyone, fuck what people say about u, fuck what people think about u, what do they know? youre you. and no one else can be you. ur free spirited and i know no ones knows where to, but life is gonna take you sumwhere, youre going to go sumwhere. after my episode.. i never had felt so strong in my life. i never been more thankful than when that rope broke.... and i thought i couldnt bear the pain anylonger, but you know what, we all go through tough times, we all bleed. we all cry. we all lose sleep.
ive known a few too many people relatively close to me that have committed suicide. please dont be another. life isnt all that bad, it may suck, but isnt there a saying : "you dont know how much u need want and love something until it is gone" .. well let me tell u this, u need life, u dont want to lose it. you're loved, doesnt matter if its by a million people or just one, if just one person loves , than thats wondeful. youre a unique and beautiful person. live to be that person.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

...
lonmyownl
2003-12-04 20:45 (link)
Wow. Thank you so much whoever wrote that. I don't know who you are! Im sorry, should I? I think I do. Thank you so very much though. That was increadably helpful. Scary, kinda.
katie

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: ...
(Anonymous)
2003-12-07 16:37 (link)
jax posted it kiddo

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: ...
(Anonymous)
2003-12-09 16:15 (link)
jax did kiddo

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


(Anonymous)
2003-12-04 16:41 (link)
This world
This world is cold
But you don't
You don't have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care
This pain you cannot bear


But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through


Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know


Your days
You say they're way too long
And your nights
You can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for, but you don't want to no more
And you're not sure what you're looking for, but you don't want to no more

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through


Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over

HOLD ON...................

right now life might suck but one thing i've learned is that it eventually gets better and you'll eventually move on and you'll get better too

(Reply to this) (Thread)


(Anonymous)
2003-12-04 17:51 (link)
i second to that
even tho you hate them but seriously katie i love you and i know how you feel i dont want you to be thinking about sucicide or anything im here for you always and remember mi cas su casa or howeveru say it cz i dunt take spanish i love you! your very strong and things WILL get better

-your GC slut

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Hey... it'll be ok
(Anonymous)
2003-12-04 21:15 (link)
Hey... It dosnt' matter who this is... what matters is how you feel. I've had those rough times also... just recently as a matter of fact. My girlfriend and I just broke up a couple of days ago... it was realy rough for me, but its not like it hasn't happened befor with her. We were on and off all summer... and it was rough every time she said she thought she didnt love me. I have also thought of sewicide... about cutting my rists, jumping off a tall building, or putting a gun in my mouth or to my head and pulling the trigger... no... it just isn't worth it. My life has gone down the drain many times... My father is an alcoholic and my mother has cancer... i have little or no frinds in school and i participate in no sporting events. your not alone... ive been there... i may not have attempted it because i always talk myself out of it... but you cant give up. and there is somone out there that is caring and who will hold you in there arms... i know exactly how you feel... vulnerable to just about anything. So just hang on there and il see u on monday... i won't forget the girl ;-)

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(Anonymous)
2003-12-06 14:14 (link)
i love you katie frothingham

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