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Jessica (litai115) wrote,
@ 2003-08-18 13:55:00
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    Current mood: blah
    Current music:Hole

    i wanna be the girl with the most cake...
    So I had a fight with Dan last night. It was a big one, because I hate discussing his views -- they upset me to my core. And so we ended up discussing them, and me crying, and getting all mad at each other and me screaming and slamming the car door. And it's like I'm afraid to keep fighting, because if I do, maybe he won't still love me when it's over. Or worse, maybe he won't do anything to make me forgive him -- he already never apologizes. What if it ended because we're both too stubborn to apologize or to forgive for no reason? And so I just back down last minute, and it's like nothing ever gets solved, and we don't ever really listen to each other.

    Is this how all relationships are? He says he wants to marry me, never wants to be with another woman...but he also can't get up to refill a bottle of water that he drank without me even realizing, so that when I reach for it to take some aspirin for my bitter headache, it's just gone. That's rude. And he insists on saying that I stalked him, which makes me regret the whole way I acted -- which makes me regret the beginning of our relationship, in a way. If it only happened because I was stalking him and it wore him down, then what is that worth? And he insists on repeating private moments, which only makes me feel inhibited around him and afraid to let go, because I'm just going to be mocked for it later.

    And can I talk to him about it? No, because then I cry, and I get mocked for that, too.

    But I love him. A lot. And it's not like I'm afraid to be alone, because my life might actually be easier right now if I was alone. It's love. It's, Dan, I want to marry you someday, you make me happy and you make me think maybe I could be okay.

    Everybody has problems, and there are no romance novel relationships and no movie happy endings. Love is walking without complaint because neither of us have cars. And it's holding each other and not wanting to go anywhere, because it feels so comfortable and safe. And even though I'd change a lot (like, I'd get him into his own place, get him a car, make him work full time, and make him never have been a part of such a hateful group of people when he's such a loving man), I'm madly in love with him and I do want to stay with him.

    Relationships really are hard work. I never believed that, no matter how many times I heard people say it. I believed that love was all you need, but I know now it's not. You really do have to work at it every day, and accept that the other person isn't perfect, and remember that you're in love.

    And I have to stop taking things so personally, and try to lighten up. Everything feels like a personal attack to me, and I hate that about myself. I have a feeling he hates it, too.

    I'm also very excited about going back to school, because I'm going to use that time to turn my life around for the better. As I grow spiritually, I don't want to leave Dan behind. I want to encourage him to grow with me, and I just don't know how. I'm sure I'll find a way, and it will all work out for the best, because we love each other. And when you love each other, working on it isn't easier, but it's more worth it. The lows are lower, but the heights are so much higher. And I'm so in love. So, so in love. And he loves me back, and wants to keep me forever. It's everything I've ever wanted.

    We can figure anything else out as it comes along.

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