Jessica (litai115) wrote, @ 2003-08-07 14:22:00

just because someone's not the one, doesn't mean they can't mean something to you
And he still means something to me. He still means a lot to me. He was very close to me for six months -- he helped me through some tough times, just by being there. When I thought I was going to lose him, he didn't let me. Until he did. And now, reading things like this in his AIM info just breaks my heart:

To kill the whitest looking dove
To hate everything I love
And I'm trying to pretend
Oh in wanting life to end
That I am not another stupid
Little teenage fucking whore

And now I know
And we will see
And now I know
And we will see

To take this handgun to my eyes
And watch my cells start to rise
The flesh now starts to break as the
Bullet enters like a snake
Through one side of my head
And out the other one

And now I know
And we will see
And now I know
And we will see

And I'm too scared to live tonight
And I'm too bare to shed my plight

And I'm too scared to live tonight
Too bare to shed my plight
(Please tell me I'm not wanted)
(Please tell me I'm not wanted)
Watch the bones rip through my flesh
A catharsis of my own distress
(Please tell me I'm not wanted)
(Please tell me I'm not)

I know I'm not the only one who made him like this. But knowing I had a part of it makes me want to cry until there's nothing left inside me to purge.


Instead, though, I'll think of other things. I'll think of how the reason why I can never stick to anything is because I try to get in over my head, and I don't pace myself. I start a job and think about promotions right away. I pick a school and dedicate myself to it so entirely that when my experience falls a bit short, I run away. I design an exercise plan I could never stick to.

And so I'm going to be more moderate. First, I'm going to make sure my classes are okay, and I'm just going to exercise every day. I'm going to do the weights twice a week, and the cardio three or four days a week. That's reasonable. Each semester, I'm going to experiment with a different Conditioning class, so that at the end of my college career I will have tried Yoga, karate, ai chi, ballroom dancing, etc. I'm going to try to only eat things that will be good for me, and only eat when I'm hungry. I'm going to do my best to keep up in classes, and then I'm going to throw in membership in organizations like Model UN and Community Builders Coalition. I'm going to meditate daily. I'm going to get news daily, and keep updated on the world. I'm going to take at least one study abroad trip. I am going to let opportunities come to me, and I am going to stop trying to plan out my entire life from one starting point, because that only makes me feel like I have no choices and nothing is going to change.

And above all, I'm going to realize that Dan is in love with me, and I am in love with him. He's going to support what I want and need to do, and he's not going to run away just because it's a little tough. He'll be there for me and he'll treat me like gold, as long as I allow him to, and I take care of him as well.

I don't expect to change over night. But in the upcoming year of school, I'm going to make great changes to my life, bit by bit. I'm going to practice patience and unconditional love and acceptance with myself and with others, and I'm going to be congratulating myself by this time in 2004.