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Jessica (litai115) wrote,
@ 2003-06-24 02:44:00
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    Current mood: ecstatic
    Current music:"Stay," Lisa Loeb

    I suck at journaling!
    Okay, so it's been awhile since I wrote.


    However, in that time, the most amazing thing happened to me: I got a life. A real life. I'm not spending every night at the computer anymore. In fact, I'm almost never on the computer. And I'm not pretending to have relationships with people I'll never meet. I'm not scanning chat rooms or Witchvox for potential relationship candidates, I'm not crying myself to sleep over my pathetic loneliness, and I'm not staring longingly at boys and jealously at couples.

    And why? you might ask. Why this turning over of a new leaf?

    Well. Where do I start? Oh yes. Dan.

    So I got a job at The Home Depot, of course, where I met Dan the first night I was working. We had lunch together twice about a week later, and the second day, he walked into the break room to start his lunch, noticed me in there, and told me I must be checking the schedule so I could take my break at the same time he took his. I told him, yes, that's exactly what I do. We laughed. And I went home and told Jen that I could like him, and I'd probably get myself in trouble, because he had a girlfriend. And he'd never like me. How could anyone like me, anyway?

    Nevertheless, we got to be better friends. We went on a McDonalds run or two, spent some time talking and hanging out and getting to know each other, and I learned how to sift through the bullshit. It became very, very apparent that I was interested in him, but...he still had a girlfriend. And he still wouldn't be interested in me.

    So then, around June 9 or so, he had me come outside with him for a cigarette. He told me I was a beautiful woman, and if he wasn't with Crystal, he'd be hitting on me all the time. It was probably the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me -- I've never directly been called beautiful before, that I can remember. And it made me feel very confused, so I went to Jen and was like, "Am I supposed to feel better or worse about this?" We decided that I should just wait to see what was going to happen in my life. And she reminded me that I wasn't looking for a relationship anyway, because I'm going to Ramapo in the fall and doing Pitman and stuff this summer, so I'm a busy bee.

    The 11th, we went out for a drive for six and a half hours, from 12:00, when he got off work, until 6:30. And he was pressuring me hardcore to tell him I liked him, because I'd refused to admit it. He told me that if we could laugh and joke about it, then it would be less painful. And I told him no, he would make it worse. And he did, because he finally made me say it, and it was instantly worse -- because it became real, y'know? It wasn't something I could ignore anymore, or something I could play off or pretend wasn't happening, because now I'd admitted it.

    The 12th, he called me when he got up and we talked a little more about how he'd made it worse. Then I showered, got ready for work, and was headed there when he called me and said, "You won't believe what just happened to me -- Crystal just broke up with me." And I felt bad. I want that to go on record -- I felt reallllly bad, because I don't like other people's misfortune. However, I felt a little less bad when he told me they'd only been together for, like, a month. And I agreed to go out with him after work.

    I never expected anything to happen, because things don't happen like that for me. I never get what I want or who I want, or anybody, for that matter. And I found it (and still sorta find it) impossible to believe that someone so funny, sweet, and sexy would have any interest in me. But he did, because we started dating the 13th, and we've been spending pretty much every day together ever since. And it's only getting better.

    I need to work on opening up a little, I know. But it's just a matter of getting accustomed to being able to trust him. His mom and sisters are great, but his dad makes me a little uneasy. And I feel like I'm floating.

    I can't think of anything else to write. The affection is incredible, the laughter is unbelievable, and the sex is amazing. He's tender and possessive and sweet and funny, and he makes me feel beautiful. I feel comfortable around him. I want him to know the people in my life. He gets along with Jen. He's dominant without being overbearing, and sensitive without being simpering. He says he'll treat me like gold and never hurt me. He wants to take care of me. He's absolutely amazing...and I was hesitant about writing about him here, but this is about my life.

    And he's becoming a very large part of my life. :-D

    I think that's it for now. In about four hours, I'm picking him up so we can go to Pitman. I want him to meet Bill, so they can get a feel for each other -- since each is curious about the other. And I'm very nervous, because they're complete opposites. And I'm nervous about the start of Pitman Rec. And I'm nervous about the fall. And I need to stop being so nervous, but I guess I'll live.

    I'm gonna go now, though.

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Happy For you Jess
2003-06-28 00:28 (link)
You deserve the best... I know you have had a rough 19 years. You finally found a pillow to cry to when times are rpough, someone to worry about you as much as you worry about them, and a hand to never let go of.

I'm really happy for you....

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