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Steve (liltripod) wrote,
@ 2004-09-27 23:24:00
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    Current mood: determined
    Current music:james chatton "one card short"

    I Will Never Give Up...
    The last 24 hours have been hell. I mean, they really could be worse, but I've been pretty confused. Last nite, after I wrote that entry... I had a dream. I dreamt that Ricky was living with me again. And we were watchin tv and having fun like we used to when he was here. And then I woke up. And I was sad because I miss my best friend. Yeah we had arguments over stupid shit, but we still had fun. And this morning... I knew that I had to get my best friend back. Then I went to Psychology and we were talkin about the depression cycle or something. And how any chemicals can mess that cycle up and make the person get stuck on a part of that cycle... and it would never finish. It could be stuck on depression, or being in trouble, or even controlling that person. The chemicals can be anything from alcohol to marijuana and they cause permenant effects if used for a period of time. I know you're probably wondering where I'm going with this.... Ricky swore to me when he went back to Virginia that he wasn't smoking weed. Who knows if he is now... it's been a month. And I don't know if we could be friends with him smoking weed... Because it wouldn't be him anymore. It's someone else. I don't want to go through that over again. Which brought me to the point that, it was hopeless trying... knowing that nothing would ever come of it.

    I know I may be taking this out of proportion... and those people who probably think that do smoke weed themselves. I don't expect you to understand. It's hard to. I mean it may be fun and it gives you a good high, but I don't think it's worth it. And he already had a short temper beforewards, when he smoked, he was completely irrational. Nothing mattered... at all and I don't ever want to not care. I was talking to someone special one night, and we were talking about how I care to much and I said how I needed to stop. And they told me that caring is apart of who I am.. and I wouldn't be me if I didn't. I don't want to not be me... Anyways, later tonight, my mom got home and looked through the mail. You know what was in there? A letter to Ricky from a school he was looking into. How did I know? Because his name was on it. Which sent me up into confusion again. Then I realized something. Ricky and I have been friends for 4 years now. And I don't know if I can be all "happy go lucky" friends with someone like him. But still, he's my best friend. He's the only one who understood me, the only one that cared, and even though he sent me through bullshit, it only made me grow.... I put a lot of quotes in my entries.. some about making life to how you want it. And others about friendship and fighting for what you believe... and I don't know if I'm supposed to or not... But I think I have to fight for our friendship.

    No kind of relationship or long-term friendship is ever easy... It gets difficult. And when things went wrong, I thought I wasn't supposed to fight. I thought that fighting for something that would bring me bad things wasn't what I was supposed to do. But something tells me that, I'm just giving up because things are bad. I've always fought for a friendship I thought was worth having. Usually because it's just too much there. And I can't now. Ricky has had g/f's who have come and tried everything in their power to stay, but had to go. Pothead friends who want to smoke pot. A mother that left and a father that has a shorter temper than he has. I think about it and I don't want to be the next person to give up. No I can't spend all my time and energy to try and help him but I don't have too. It doesn't mean I have to let him do what he wants. I wont... I can't... When I talked about One Tree Hill last nite... Lucas and Keith returned back to Dan... even though Dan was such an ass. But they had too... I'm not saying I'm going back to the way I use to be (at least I'm not trying to nor do I want to). But I can't give up. I've been fighting 4 years to help him and I won't stop now. He may not want it, and he may not seem to need it. I don't care though. I won't give up on this. I want my best friend back dammit. And if it means that going back home and paying him a visit, then I'll do it.

    In all, it's not that I need Ricky, or Ricky needs help, or I'm insane for helping/ trying to get a person back who's made me more depressed then anyone else. It's about never giving up on a friend, it's about me.. not losing myself and forgetting who I am when things get rough. I've never smoked a blunt because of who I am, I've never had sex (wow, I just admitted that) because of the morals and values I hold (nothing major... I just want it to be with someone I really absolutely care about.. hopefully until we get married), and I won't give up on a friendship I believe in, something that I know will work... because of who I am. It wouldn't be me to give up on him... or anything for that matter. So I say this right here and right now, that no matter what, I won't give up. I've come this far... and I'll keep going. I won't stop doing my job at work, or doing my work at school... but I will get my best friend back. I made a promise to him when he was up here, and I won't break it. No matter if we are friends or not. Gotta go. Later minna!

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