Entry I copied fronm my blog
Once again I'm creating a new entry. I always get bored of my old journals or blogs and stuff. Well...whatever. It doesn't really matter that much. All I really need is something to write in and typing is a lot easier than writing in a realy journal or something. I have another journal that I write in, but its a hand writing thing. I sometimes have a lot to write about, and my hands hurt after a while so I can't write anymore. Then I am not abl;e to write what happens and stuff....so the stuff never gets recorded....yeah. So thats why I made this blog. *sigh* Now I want to make a live journal. Or a greatest journal. Or something like that. I'm gonna check on google to see what different kinds of journals there are. There might be really cool journal making things that I haven't heard of. It would be cool if there were. And I'm guessing there definately is. I'm not sure yet if I should show or tell anybody about this blog. Well, if anybody finds out about it then whatever. It's not like I'm gonna write my really personal secrets in here. That kind of stuff is really only for none written stuff. I've only told the Dev(i/o)n's about one of my many deep secrets. I want to tell Parath because I tell him everything. But since he's a guy, it's kind of hard. And I already know that he would just tell me to tell a grown up or something. There isn't really much of a good response to some of the stuff I hide. I really want to tell Josh, but I don't know how to bring it up. And it would be way weird telling him some of the stuff. It's kind of embarassing too. I don't want guys to know. Nvm, I don't want to tell Josh. I truly want to tell him everything and be honest to him about stuff, but he's the best guy that ever came into my life and I don't want to lose him. I sometimes feel bad. Because sometimes I think that I do things that I shouldn't but I never realize I do these things until like a day after it happens. And that always happens to me. I'm lucky compared to others in some ways. But I am not the happy person you alays see in school or at the mall or something. I think of the world as a stage because I am always jsut playing a role. I can't help it, but I can't act like my true self in fromt of anybody. The world makes everybody want to eb somebody else. I don't feel like that, but I don't be myself. I like who I am, but I feel better just not showing how I really feel about things or saying what I really think. In this journal, I'm scared that somebody would find out and read it so I'm just not going to put anything to personal in here. Like, I will NEVER record anything that I don't want specific people to read. I know nobody reads my journals but whatever. I feel like this journal is being read by people I don't know and it kind makes me feel weird. I am such a retard. I know I am. I am the stupidest person in the world. I dont know why. I can't describe how I feel about anything. In this journal, I will probabaly express how I feel by writing a poem or something. So..yeah. It's getting late and I want to wake up early tomorrow. I do love Josh. But I feel like since Devon's lil get together, things have been weird between us. I don't have that urge to call him 24/7 anymore. I don't have butterflys in my stomach when I'm around him. I don't want to be that perfect person for him anymore. I don't have anything to talk to him about anymore. I don't have that giddy feeling when I talk to him on AIM. I don't smile when I read something he writes that is sweet.This is so weird. I know I love him. I couldn't be without him. But I don't know why the wonderful feelings are gone. He was the first person I felt those feelings for. This is the first time I admitted the truth about that. I lie to myself. I lie to everyone. They ask me "what's up" and I always want to say that life sucks and tell them everything....but the only thing that comes out is "nmjc". I hate it. I want him to tell me how he feels. But I am always questioning if he is telling the truth. I only question it because i know that I am always lying. I never feel great or good or fine or even okay. I feel guilty or bad or sad or depressed or i feel like i want to kill myself. i have had many recent urges to just run away. I've pictured it. I've dreamed or it. I've even planned it. I know people would care if I really did run away. Sometimes, I just want to do it to see if people really do care about me and what they would do. I'm stupid right. I think that people never think about something or about losing something until it really happens. And if they lost somebody and never got a chance to really make things right between them or tell them how they feel or show them what they really want then they might never get the chance. Thats one of the reasons journals and diarys are good. Because they have personal things in it that tell how the feel. I am telling how I feel. I feel a lot fo stuff. And this first entry could never tell all of it. Maybe when I die which could be soon or in many years, someone would discover all of my journals and show people and they could change their entire empression of me. Especially if they read my really personal journal that I've never even mentioned until now. well, I'm going to sleep. I hope life gets better....
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