| Current mood: |  weird |
| Current music: | Bob Dylan - Let me follow you down |
Moving on up...
Hey,
I know I haven't written in a while. I won't bother to explain why because that's boring and there is no one reason. Instead I'll just jump right in. I feel so unbelievably torn all of the time now. I am literally split in two and it's a horrible feeling. I should be at home helping out and staying with me family but I'm here with him instead. I know I'm being selfish putting it all on her shoulders but I was drowning there. I did nothing productive all day I stayed up the till the most insane hours and slept all day. It was like falling down a deep dark well and there being no bottom. I can't really explain why I felt that way while I was there. There are obvious reasons but I don't want to blame it on those reasons.. it's seems too easy to do that. I want so badly to live here with him and not feel guilty for doing it but the guilt is always going to be there and I'm not sure that's a burden I want to carry with me every single day. To other people it's logical that a person of my age would move out of their home but in my house you don't really do that because you don't want to leave one of you behind to deal with all the constant shit on their own. Why should I be the one who gets to leave? It doesn't seem fair yet nothing is fair so I don't know why I'm surprised. Is it ok to be this confident that you are going to be with the person you love forever? Things fall apart for people every day why should I consider my relationship so safe and unbreakable. I would die if something went wrong and we broke up. I don't let myself even think about that. Sometimes I feel like I've fallen TOO in love with him because I can feel it in every cell of my body and I crave being near him all of the time. I hate it when he goes to work because I hate being away from him for even that amount of time. It feels unnatural to be this dependent on someone. I'm terrified that I'm making the wrong decision by leaving and that it'll cost one or two people their lives. This may sound dramatic but I actually mean every word of it. If either of you die because of my selfishness I will never be able to forgive myself. My little sister is on here and her entries are so beautiful to me because I never hear her express herself the way she does on here. I'm so proud of her openess and I want to be able to help her open up outside ot this "cyberworld" too. I just don't know how to handle all the problems that need to be fixed. Not only do I have my Pa and Md family to fix but I also feel like I need to fix his family. I'm not capable of fixing my own life much less anyone elses but I'm always trying to think up ways to make people feel better. I'm losing that battle though. Lately I just seem to make everyone unhappy.
So I have been staying with B for the past 3 1/2 weeks. I think I may be moving in with him but it's not 100% official yet. Even if it doesn't happen I'll still be spending the majority of my time here and it's a big change for me.... one that has brought on huge bouts of depression that I haven't even felt I could talk about with anyone. Mostly the depression stems from guilt though so it's my own fault and I can't really complain. The trip to Austin Texas I went on with B turned out great. We had a lot of fun together. His parents are going on an 8 day cruise on May 20th and we're super excited about having the house to ourselves. I want to have a Barbeque or some type of party where I can invite my sisters and their boyfriends over but there is so much drama between all of us I'm not even sure it would work out. I'm definitely going to try though. B's birthday is May 1st and I have no clue what to do for him. I don't have any money and I suck at making things because they always come out worse than a pre-schoolers work. I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any. I guess that's all for now because he's going to call from work in a minute and I have to take a bath. I'll write back sooner next time. Bye.
--Jimsgyrl
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