Well, now it's Saturday. I think my last entry was just before I was headed up to Nikkei 's cabin near Stevens Pass. All in all, I had a good enough time there. The first and third days were fun and filled with cabiny magic and goodness, but the middle day was bittersweet for me. Waking up the first full day at the cabin and not being with Nikkei (as we slept in separate rooms) was sad and that seemed to somehow underlie most of the goings-on for the rest of the day. And then that night it seemed sadder somehow than the night before to go to bed alone.
I just need to learn to move onto this new way of being. It's awkward, and uncomfortable, and ultimately maybe not entirely satisfying, but it is all we have. And unless I'm willing and able to make a clean break from him -- meaning he will no longer be in my life -- I need to accept things as they are and make the best of them.
Tonight we're going to go to the Lord of the ring 's return of the King movie for the second time. He's really excited to go, and I just got an e-mail from him that was just brimming with enthusiasm. He wants to go to dinner at mamas or maybe bamboo garden. We're both getting off work an hour early so we can get a head start on tonight's activities. Maybe it makes it all the more weird knowing that today is Valentine's Day and that while we will be spending Valentine's Day evening together it will not be the way it has been. When I think back to last Valentine's Day and the romantic evening we had going out to dinner and drinks and coming home and just being together and loving one another, I can't help but wonder if tonight will be disappointing, to say the least.
But, that's just from my perspective he may not be feeling weird about it at all, and in fact may not have felt the same degree of love last year at Valentine's Day that I felt at all. Not being a very gifted mind reader, I can't say.
Anyway, I'm just going to focus on having fun tonight.
I just wish that having fun didn't require so much damned work.
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