|Current mood:|| sad|
|Current music:||for martha...if you have to go...|
today part two
ok..so i'm back...i forgot alot of stuff that i needed to get off my chest. i had a really bad dream abotu my mom last night. it just sucked. i mean it didnt like suck ebcause it was scary, it was really nice, it just upset me that it couldnt last. when i got the email from my dad, i was kind of upset, and i went back to sleep for a little bit. in this dream my mom picked me up. she looked really healthy, and happy. she was not sick looking, btu she was realy thin and fit. and she picked me up from somewhere, and we were driving, adn i was in the back seat or soemthign because i kept just hugging her really tight. she was telling me that i could move in with her because my dad was being dumb. i started crying because i was soo happy. i didnt know what to think. then i woke up and was crying for real. i was so overwhelmed with feelings. i just miss her soo much. i really really need her right now in my life. its not fair that i have to go through my life without a mother. she left just when i was growing into the person that i am today. i miss her so much. people wonder why i am so down all the time. people think that i should be happy, like one of my freinds tells me that i should be happy, because i have freinds and i have kevin, but i woudl trade all of that for one more day with my mom. we didnt get along when she was alive because i was going through that really bad time of early teen years, when i thought i knew everything. god its just not fair.
and that one freind whenever i talk about not having my mom, she always compares it to her dad being a dick sometimes and not calling her all the time. its not the same at all, in any way. if she wants she can pick up the phone herself adn call him, or go herself and see him. i can never do that, i can never ever call my mom up agian. i will never ever see my mom again. she will not be there to see me get married, she will never see me graduate from school, she will never see any of it. and i feel cheated. i really need to talk to someone about it, because i hid all this stuff away for so long, because in high school i never talked to anyone about it. i thought i was ok. i told myself i was ok, i told everyone i was ok. so everyone thought i was ok, everyone thinks i'm ok still, they joke abtou it even. but i am being torn up inside. i am taken over by greif. i am sitting here at work crying right now. i'm trying not too, and i'm hiding it well, btu god it sucks. i need to talk to my dad abotu how much all of this has affected me, and see if it kills himstill too, but i feel like he will nto want to talk abtou or jsut tell me to see soemoen or somethign and not talk to me abotu it.
i just miss her so much and i really missed out on so much with her. i want to tell her all the things that are going on in my life right now, and want her to help me fix it. i know she would at least help me feel better. i dont know, i'm nto looking for pity because so many people go through this every year, but that doesnt mean it doesnt hurt you know? well really now, until next time...
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