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For Becky
You don't even know that this space exists, but its for you.
Once upon a time i was with a girl named Regina. Like most people then, you knew little more then the fact that she was small, and was my girlfriend. I had been dating her for about 5.97 months at the time, awaiting 6. Before i met her though, i was asked to work at (a Christian camp called) Delanco. I eagerly agree to volunteer because i wanted to be with all the little kids. I love kids. You've seen me with them, and i'll do anything for them. Then a problem occured: Regina. I lost all my faith by being with her. I don't blame her for that. I never had. Its my fault because i knew that being with her was bad for me, and i didn't care. And so time went by and i did things with her that i never wanted to do. I spoke words that i now hate, i looked at the world in terrible ways, i hated everything that wasn't Regina.
Then camp time rolled around. I didn't want to go. I knew that it wasn't good for me to go and try to tell kids how great God is when i didn't want anything to do with Him. But i went. I couldn't not go. Regina didn't want me going, but i explained to her how important this was for the people running camp. I can't just say no. She told me that she would write me every day....it actually turned out to be twice a day.
Then i met you. At camp. Even if you asked me now, i don't remember how exactly i met you. Your cousin Ben and i had just started to become friends that week, and i think that he introduced me to you at some point. But i knew the second i met you that you were so special.
As the week went by, i started to hang out with you during free time, or saw you some where around camp. I got to know you. But i wanted to know you more.
You're beautiful. Has anyone told you that recently? You are. I'm not just saying this. I think that you are one of the most beautiful girls that i've ever met. I wish that i could just stare into your eyes sometimes.
I cared for you at camp. The thing is it wasn't one of those "i'm going to fool around with someone while i'm at camp" or "i'm going to cheat on my girl friend thing cause she won't know" things. I'm so aganist those things. I honestly wanted to know you because you were YOU.
You make me want to be a better person. You make me feel like i try hard at everything i do. You make me feel good about who i am. You make me feel ok for loving God.
I look at you and see a girl that is so faithful. I love that about you. You look at everything and see the good in it. I've never heard you talk bad about anyone. You help everybody. And you want to be with a Christian guy.
Regina kept writing to me during the week. I'd spend time with you during the day. I'd feel so good about talking to you. Then i would read her letters. "FUCK ME DARLING, HARD!" Thats what it would read. Every part of me wanted to be free from what i had become. I wanted to be someone else because i hated myself for the choices that i had made.
But i felt ok with myself around you. I looked at you and saw everything that i've ever looked for in a girl. Why was my life like it was?
I didn't cheat on Regina. That thought didn't even occur to me until now. But i questioned my being with her. I kept asking myself, "is this really who i want to be with?" I knew that if i changed, Regina would hate me.
But i did anyway. I came home from camp. Another month went by. I thought that maybe it was just a fleeting thought. It wasn't. It became such a heavy burden on my heart. I told her that i needed time for myself. To figure out who i was and what i wanted. I told her that i needed to be with a girl that believed the same God as me...and cared for Him.
She told me she would never pray with me.
And so i ended it.
Life has been so good. It really has.
After her i dated Lauren. You know a little about her. Shes a Christian too.
Lauren broke up with me at a bible study. She needed space. Kind of ironic really. I was ok with it. Except she won't talk to me still.
All this time though i've thought about you. At least once a day for like half a year i thought about calling you up just to talk to you. haha. Its not because i need someone to be with. I can go without anyone. It's never been a problem for me. Its because i didn't like the feeling of not knowing what you were up to. It's because i was scared that maybe i would never talk to you or see you again.
I missed you.
Time went by and i figued that i missed my chance. It would have been too strange to call you up out of nowhere. But Ben told me that you might go ice skating at this family thing. I wanted to see you so bad. Ben just laughed at me. I was there...but left before you came. What a let down. Then a while later you were at Sammy's birthday. I guess that i've just become part of your family because i was invited. You were there. I hadn't seen you in six months. I wish that i had talked to you more. I was scared. Scare of what you'd think of me.
After that i knew that i couldn't stand not knowing you. I've been calling you for this reason. You do so much though, that i feel like i'm bothering you when i call. I feel so lazy when i compare my schedule to yours. You do everything. hah. But i called you anyway. And so i started to fill in the gaps.
I gained enough guts to ask you out to prom. Probably one of the hardest things ever. I talked to Ben just before i asked you. You know what he had to say? "Hey, don't feel bad if she says no." Thanks for the comfort there Ben.
Me: Would you want to go to prom with me?
You: (one minute silence)
I just want to say that this one minute was the longest minute of my entire life. I thought of every possible negative response to this. I actually wanted to hang up. I'd rather have done that then to hear you say no. It was so terrible.
You: Are you joking?
Oh NO! She is going to say no. This IS terrible. Hold on while i go slit my wrists and then shot myself in the knee caps. Just hang up Dennis. Tell her it IS a joke. You'll both laugh at my expense.
You: I'd love to go.
Say what!? Don't mess with me like that. Wait...you're serious aren't you? Wow. I never thought you'd say that. Thank you God.
Ben: Dude, i thought she would say no for sure. (shakes my hand) Didn't see that coming.
Its a great story now. I laugh everytime i think about it. It was just really important for me. The truth is that i wouldn't have gone with anyone else. I never even wanted to go to prom. But it become something that i wanted to share with you. I'm glad that i did. I had a great time. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Remember those sofas? The ones i was going to steal? I felt so comfortable on that with you on it. Just laying and talking. You made me laugh when we were there. Thank you. I really needed that.
I feel bad though. I hadn't called you in a while before prom. I had been working. A lot. All that money went to prom. I'd get home from work and be in such a daze. I wanted to call you but i thought it was too late. I didn't want to call and have your parents get mad. Maybe i should have called. Even if is was just to let you know i'm still here. I'm sorry for that.
I have to say i'm sorry about things general. I think that sometimes it looks like i'm not even trying...but in fact, its the total opposite: i'm trying too hard. I'm just worried that i'll do something stupid to make you not want to talk to me anymore. After Regina and Lauren, i just worry about you a lot. Like what am i going to do to screw up anything between us? Thats why i worry about touching you. I honestly don't know if you want me to. Everybody keeps telling me you thats what you want. I want to know for sure though. Everyone takes holding hands, hugging, and kissing for granted. I don't. I think that they are so special. I wish i knew for sure.
I hope that you feel about me like people say. I want to know you better too. Like whats your favorite thing in the world? How did you become a Christian? What kind of ice cream do you like? What was it like to swallow a goldfish?
I want to know everything about you. And from now on, i promise to ask you questions until i do. (smiles)
You were at Church tonight. I didn't know you'd be there. I thought my heart would explode. I really did.
You made me feel wanted this week.
Its funny how when you care about someone, you become so eager to be around them. I kind of wish you had problems sleeping too. Maybe then i could talk to you. heh. I don't wish that on anyone.
I'll call you today.
Thank you for being everything that you are and always were.
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