~kitty~ (kiteara) wrote, @ 2003-11-12 13:44:00

Kit's Musings
This is something I may or may not use for Kit on FFB...it depends on how certain events will unfold. I wanted to put it here anyway, since I happen to think it's a pretty decent piece.


Kit walked into the crystalline room and made her way to the lower level, sitting down on one of the benches there, curling her legs beneath her. This new room was peaceful, though not in the way of her dark room. It's darkness soothed and comforted her, provided a haven from the harsh lights and problems that bombarded her. This room, with its gentle illumination, provoked thought, sending her mind wandering. She released her breath in a soft sigh, closing her eyes as she rested her head against the wall, allowing her thoughts to come as they would. As they did at almost every chance now, they turned to her ashke, her Iazu. A faint smile tugs at her lips, as she unconsciously curls a bit tighter on the bench, a half-formed desire for him to be there with her touching her mind.

The image of him was fixed in her mind, always present and comforting. His blue gray hair, braided with his alen'fe, his shifting hued eyes, moving from gray to white, to green gilded, the stark white tunic and breeches all covered with his snowy cloak. He was her leshya'e. The somewhat ghostly appearance and echoing voice that startled and surprised so many others brought a surge of love and contentment to the slender vampiress. He, who sometimes agonized over his own nature and being, had saved her in every way still possible to her. She was dead...well, undead, if one cared to get technical about it. That thought tugged her smile further. Of course, he was always technical with everything, but she had grown accustomed to it, no longer becoming frustrated when she had to pause to explain something... at least most of the time.

Her thoughts roam to their first true conversation after the dark knight, Nexus, attacked her, then further. Once she had thought that her Sire, Sovan, had bestowed her with the greatest kindness. He had saved her from death, cared for her for two years, then let her become what he was. Then her desire for vengeance had clouded all else. Nothing was more important than tracking down those who had massacred her Clan and dealing the same fate to them. Sovan's gift of immortality had made it possible for her to do so. When the last of the company was slain, she released that she had absolutely nothing to live for anymore and only the painful memories of her dead Clan to keep her company. In her grief, and utter loss for what to do now, she locked away those memories, shoving them into the darkest corners of her mind. They no longer fueled a righteous rage nor vengeance?they merely hurt. Since being forced to remember her Clan and their demise while travelling with her te'sorthene, Neo, she relived the pain of loss, redoubled at having to slowly remember that she had indeed avenged them, to a man. She grew despondent and cold, moving through the new world that she had been thrust into, almost reluctantly. She sought things to distract her, to pull her from her painful memories and sorrow, whether those distractions be dangerous or tame, she cared not. At times she sought the more dangerous distractions, praying that one would send her into the arms of the Shadow-Lover. Death seemed an attractive option to end the overwhelming sorrow that hounded her.

Then she met Iazu... This ghostly being that she would come to love dearer than the longed for embrace of death. He alternately intrigued and frightened her, calm and peaceful at one moment, then cold and threatening the next. To her surprise, and the shock of those few that she deigned to speak to, she found herself looking forward to each encounter with him, regardless of how he could act. His threats and intimidation only hinted at the possibility of falling into the Shadow-Lover's arms. Perhaps the next time his temper roused against her, he would strike her down. That half hope faded as a friendship formed and trust developed. Kit knew that even in a rage, the man wouldn't harm her, and was later proved correct, even when he doubted himself.

After long talks with those who she would speak with and a half-playful threat from her newest loshra, Kit still continued to waver on the desire to join her Clan. Accompanying her desire now was a soul deep fear that she would slowly go mad, living purely for the hunt and kill of each mortal that she chose as prey with no other goal than her next meal. When the dark knight Nexus offered her release, she leapt at the chance, shoving aside the promises and resolutions she had made. Nexus desired a kill and she desired the soft embrace of the Shadow-Lover's arms. What was there to wonder about? She goaded the knight, taunting him until he finally struck her down. To her surprise and horror, Iazu seemed to appear as she hit the floor and attacked Nexus savagely. In a powerful attack, he sent the dark knight crashing through the ceiling of the little bar and went to Kit, sorrow evident in his normally neutral expression. At that moment, she wanted only to close her eyes and slip away. The Shadow-Lover stood just past him, arms outstretched, a welcoming gentle smile gracing His lips as He welcomed her to fall into His arms and allow Him to carry her from this strange world. Despite how much she ached to embrace him with all that she had, a soft sorrow laden voice insisted that she speak, open her eyes, move, live. Murmuring a reply, she felt a surge of panic as the gentle-waiting figure hesitated. She tried to tell the one calling her to leave her, the Shadow-Lover was waiting for her, inviting her. Gentle arms lifted her, but they were not the Shadow-Lover's...they were...Iazu's? He reminded her that she had promised to live, had responsibilities still. Remembering one of her conversations with another patron of the bar, the daring thief...Keith? Hai, Keith. He'd called her selfish and uncaring for her desire to die. Selfish... The pain in the voice calling her back resonates within her, striking against the pain that she had felt since remembering her Clan's death. How could she put another through that? One that she had fought to remain beside as a simple friend. Could she be so cruel as to force that pain upon him? Even despite his murmured assurance that she could go? That he wouldn't try to hold her to this place? Steeling herself, she turned from the Shadow-Lover's open arms, realizing that this may well be the last time that He'd offer her His embrace. Instead she looked to Iazu and the potion he offered, taking comfort in his gentle, careful hold on her as the Shadow-Lover lowered outstretched arms, faint sorrow in His eyes as He looked to her turned back, watching until she'd taken the potion offered her, then dissipated like a mist. Oddly, Kit felt neither regret nor pain at His departure, as Iazu rose with her, cradling her gently to him.

Her smile grows slightly fainter, crimson tears threatening to spill from closed eyelids. That was the greatest kindness anyone had ever done her. He'd let her chose to live or die. He told her later that he knew how much it had meant to her, but most times she truly doubted that. How could he understand? He had never felt the Shadow-Lover's caress and turned his back on Him. Now twice she had turned His embrace aside, the first time for revenge, and this time...for love. It was more than the choice itself that was his kindness though. If he had coaxed and goaded her to live, without allowing her to chose, she would have always wondered if she would have been happier?better served to go into the Shadow-Lover's waiting arms. Perhaps she would have become bitter, feeling that she had been snatched from His arms, or seek Him more than ever. But he hadn't done that. He'd given her the choice, and she chose him. The tears that had threatened earlier streak down her ashen face, leaving crimson tracks. The gift of his love in return was the only thing that came close to rivaling the gift of her free will to chose death, or him..her ashke