bailey (killingaurora) wrote, @ 2004-08-19 18:11:00

Current mood:	depressed
Current music:	slipknot-pulse of the maggots

well, i've decided to put this journal in use.
partly because i actually know the people who read mah livejournal and surprisingly enough would rather have random people viewing the rants about my fucked up bitch of a life.

anyway, it's winter and i'm going through the usual fucking deep dark depression that comes along with it.
unfortunately this year there's no school or any activities(besides seeing my lovely bf, andrew)to fall back onto. every day has been the same since february and i'm at my wits end with emotional drainage. today i went to another USELESS fucking appointment with my psych, who refuses to put me where i belong for this period(hospital). she calmly sat there as i cried and tuned out to the world, while my parents talked with her and took in all her bullshit.
she said we'll see how i am on monday and then re-assess the situation. i can't fucking take it anymore, i'm not able to wallow in this shit for another 3 days. getting drunk and stoned doesn't even help anymore.
there's no point having plans for the rest of my life when i'm not sure if i can get through this awful period. living a worthless boring existence takes its toll after 6 months.
fuck it.

fish_vilify 2004-08-21 07:41 (link)

I'm no-one u know, so my apologies for reading your rants. I was just looking for someone to talk to. Psychs are over-rated. they can get paid to sit there, PRETEND to listen to our shit, when in the end they're handing you a text-book fuckin answer. If you think about, the answer makes PERFECT fuckin sense, and they get paid the wad of cash to regurgitate something that they've memorised from their schooling. The answer makes PERFECT fuckin sense becuz YOU ALREADY KNEW WHAT THEY'RE TELLING YOU. "Well you really should focus on your real problem here... You're being anti-social" (or whatever ur venom is) "because you can't find anyone who understands you, or you feel you can't talk to anyone. Well, you can! You can talk to me, or your friends. I mean, if you explain to your friends that these are some REAL problems here, then they'll help you out. Friends are good like that." What the fuckhead doesn't pick up on is that WE HAVE NO FRIENDS, WE HAVE NO TRUE MEANING, WE HAVE NO-ONE TO CONFIDE IN. No one fuckin understands us, no-one fuckin understands our music except the musicians themselves, who we're never gunna talk to, no one gets that we wanna kill ourselves so that we're NOT AROUND THIS SHIT. The psychs KNOW that this is how we feel, but don't GRASP THE CONCEPT. You fuckin know why??? They never had this shit!! They may have been the geek, or the outcast at school, but instead of wallowing in their self-hatred like OUR BREED DOES, they buried their minds in books, they studied, they worked hard, they concentrated on their SCHOOLING, so they REGURGITATE the VERY SAME FACTS FROM THE BOOKS to us!! Fuck your psychs, dude. Better yet, FUCK THEM UP. Tell them you fantasise about violence, that you regularly fantasize about beating thier face in with a stone when you masturbate. THAT will get them listening. Then, while you momentarily have their attention for REAL, tell them to stop telling you what's WRONG with you, and tell you how fix the fucking problem. Or else, you'll follow through with your fantasy. Trust me when I say that this works. I haven't seen a psych in 3 years. Talk later. Fish. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: killingaurora 2004-08-21 10:17 (link)
	lol nice. and i couldn't have put any of that better myself. yeah, random people are who i wanted to read mah rants =) (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

i_of_suicide 2004-08-22 05:19 (link)

yeah, people are always right quick to tell you what you need, and send you off and give you a bunch of shit that you're supposed to do to make yourself happier. whether it's a licensed psych or a friend, it's usually still the same bullshit. I've luckily found a decent nucleus of people who listen to my bullshit and don't tell me what to do about it, just listen to me and relate to me. that's the best thing anyone can do for me when I'm depressed, unless they can actively help. that's one person, the rest can't do anything. though I guess psychs wouldn't be licensed if all they did was sit behind an oak desk in an executive leather swivel chair and relate to your problems. that's what I find most helpful though... *shrug* I think it's the same for most people our age. heh, it's funny that shit started for you in February. that's when it started for me too. though I was having panic attacks for 8 months before then. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: killingaurora 2004-08-22 05:26 (link)
	absolutely, i have a few people who will listen and relate, but unfortunately they're not the ones who control my life. i've been living like this for...shit...since i was 11. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	baileyisanerd 2005-09-29 02:20 (link)
	interesting situation... everyone i know is depressed, u'r nothing special haha. but ur name is, which is also my name. baileys are cool. (Reply to this) (Thread)