|Current music:||Coldplay - Trouble|
"I never meant to do you harm..."
There is one thing I must clarify before I can proceed to talking about how sweet and kind Thomas's most recent journal entry is. I do not hate BC, regardless of how often I saw I do. I cannot claim I particularily like BC, as I don't know anyone there, and no one has been particularly friendly. And all I really ever hear from Tom is his horror stories of drunken Bostonians. And the Fellows girls always call to him and call him 'Tommy' and I can't stand that. I am terrified that one of them will steal him away from me, as ridiculous as that fear may be, and even though it is not his fault they call him by that nickname, and there isn't much he can do about it, it still irritates me that someone else is allowed to call him by that nickname. As long as they don't call him Tombly or dearest, I suppose I'll have to live with it. Unfortunately, I am also highy disposed to dislike BC. It has stolen my Tommy away from me and keeps him in a tantalizingly difficult place to get to, where I never get to relax, where there are people who upset and worry my love and never have to face me. It would not surprise me if Thomas disliked Wellesley for the same reasons, and I suppose I would also be hurt by that unfair dislike. I am sorry that I feel that way about BC. It is in no way a personal attack on Thomas, or his choice. It's... it's just me, lashing out at something I can't control or influence.
I am extremely lucky in that Thomas is remarkably understanding about my irrational reaction to his school. I know it hurts him, just as it would hurt me if he insulted Wellesley (to which I am surprisingly devoted), and I hate to do that, I just can't help it. Really, I am bad at controlling myself when I am upset and/or unhappy. He has said, most notably in the journal entry that is the supposed focus of this entry, that he is sorry that I am always stressed when traveling to see him, and that it is so difficult to get to BC. (Accursed Wellesley snobbery). He doesn't need to apologize to me - obviously, seeing him is worth all the stress incured in the travel, but I do appreciate that he understands. And his expressed appreciation of the trouble I go through to see him was really really nice. I have to know that I'm loved and wanted, and he has managed to do that very well, despite his annoyance with me.
It's really not fair. We're both upset when I arrive, and it's hard to get past that. I'm bitter and sarcastic and scathing, and I don't want to be. I want to relax with him. I miss... I miss everything. The weekend before this one, or maybe it was the weekend before that, we had lunch together in one of BC's many dining halls and we just talked and talked. It was so lovely, just to have this conversation with Thomas, face to face, in a relaxed environment, with no one to overhear us. I'd forgotten how important interactions like that are to me. Silly me. Our relationship was built on things like that, you'd think I'd remember how much I love them. And now that such things are so rare, they're even more precious to me. God, I just miss him. No matter how often I see him or how much time I spend with him when I do see him, it's never enough. There are never enough of the moments I want - those nice long conversations, full of seriousness and silly puns and laughter, or those adorably silly moments when Tommy is all cute and vulnerable and wants to be kissed and cuddled. There was a little of the latter yesterday, but not enough. Not nearly enough. I miss him even when I'm with him.
We - or maybe it's just me - spend so much time just getting rid of that anger and stress that once I'm finally capable of really appreciating Tommy's company, it's almost time for me to leave again. The second I do, I miss him even more and I feel badly. And I know he feels the same way - he said as much in his journal entry - and that makes me feel worse. And usually, the prospect of traveling back to Wellesley and the stress of possibly missing the bloody bus destroys that fragile, wonderful mood.
And he really is so wonderful. He wrote an entire paragraph about how he loves to make me smile. I want to smile for him, I want to be happy with him so that he'll be happy.
I know that despite all this, we really are still very good friends and our relationship is solid and secure. But I miss that, I miss having my best friend around to talk with me and play with me. I love him so very much, and one of these days, I will have that boy with me all the time.
I have many things (hopefully more optimistic and happy) to talk about, but now is not the time. I will try my best to write again soon and give my love the journal entry he really wants and deserves.
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I'm very sorry that we have such a difficult time getting to each other, but it will get better as time goes on, especially now that I learned about that new T station. I agree that it's very frustrating to get here, it just takes practice. The only thing that I forgot to guide you on was taking the left instead of the right when you go through the entrance. You're a good driver, and I think you still could have easily found it without my help. I understand completely how you feel when you say that you don't like my school, I don't think I've given you many reasons to like it. I'm trying to make that change, it's just difficult to get the logistics together. I'm working on it, though, fear not.|
I miss you, lots and lots, and I'm glad you miss me just as much. i think I would die if I couldn't see you ever again. It would be awful awful awful. I need you so much, never leave me!
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