kellypocket (kellypocket) wrote, @ 2003-09-21 18:28:00

:bittersweet symphony:
i know it's time to come home when american pie III makes me nostalgic and longing for american ways.

but it isn't all rosy on the eastern front, here.

let's not take that to mean i am depressed or unhappy.

i am thrilled, and as THE THRILLS so appropriately state, 'santa cruz (you're not that far)'.

it is now half six in dublin, and i've just recently arrived off the train from sligo.
a joyous, relaxing week in the less trodden northwest ireland.
to try and recap the emotional experiences, the blessings, the people...is just too hard for words, and too expensive for this internet stop.

i've now come to the point where i'm really not interested in making it a grand night out for this last day, as i spent a lovely night with colum last night, and that seems to be enough.
i am quite content in dropping in some hole-in-the-wall (also known as an atm machine here) kebab stand and eating along the liffey, only to return to my nice, spacious hostel room, sleep, and awake early to catch the bus to the airport.

but, although i am quite excited that i am a mere 30 hours from being on la soil, i am also nostalgic and grief stricken about the journey that is about to end.
i spent time on the train reading back to my first journal entries noting how distrot i was over being here, how long 3 months seemed...i quietly laughed to myself as i thought about how it's nearly over and how we always make so much drama out of our current situations when in reality, they always work out.

i finished.
i often have a complex about being too hasty, or to ambitious leading me to have my fingers in all sorts of things, literally around the world.
but i finally set out for something, and accomplished it...and not only 'something', but my life's dream.
so, how can one NOT be a bit downtrodden when they realize they are now leaving that dream behind-it is finished.

the good part is that although the physical journey is now coming to an end, the mental one isn't.
the ongoing effects of this trip will forever be rippling through my life.
the kelly that left 3 months ago is not the kelly that will be returning.
and that is a very good thing.

i'm in this weird calm where i honestly feel nothing...i don't feel distrot over leaving, but i don't feel elated to get home.
it's like i've taken a dose of zoloft or paxil. just numb.

there is nothing i would change.
NOTHING.

i wouldn't change the grueling night i spent on a train to croatia, or the awful heat of spain, the sleep deprevation of budapest, the moment in vienna, the piss-ridden roskilde, being marooned in zuirch, the money i blew on skydiving, or the fact that i gave up everything i had to go on a mission (a mission in many senses of the word).

it was, and is, perfect, exactly how God wanted it.

and i thank you for coming along for the ride.

ciao.

"...we are in the end tempted to divide mankind into a minority (a minimality) of those who know how to make much of little, and a majority of those who know how to make little of much."
-NIETZSCHE

don't be the majority.
instead of chasing the wind, just let it take you somewhere.

Your Symphony horizonjob 2003-09-21 21:22 (link)

Dear Kelly, Your symphony has been an inspiration to us almost beyond words. I have marveled at your gutsy perseverance and your insightful reflections on the the places, circumstances and moments along the way. I, too, am a little sad this dream is about to end. It has been a valuable learning experience for me as well as for you. The lesson of “acceptance” came up for me many times over the past 3 months. What more could I do when my precious daughter was tired, lonely, sick, depressed and so utterly unreachable….except to accept I was powerless to help and that you and God would handle it? And so you did. And how you did. As you summarized above, “It was, and is, perfect, exactly how God wanted it.” I am humbled and proud. It's almost time for the curtain to come down on your symphony. It has been an honor and a privilege to occupy my front row seat and listen passionately to every note you played the past 3 months. I was inspired many times to stand up and cheer and applaud you. I do so one more time today. I guess I probably will for the rest of your life. Your achievement is that lofty and grand. With deep love, ~Dad. (Reply to this) (Thread)