Gina (kawaiidreamer) wrote, @ 2003-11-24 00:15:00

Current mood:	melancholy
Current music:	Switchfoot - You

I confess
I feel like a physically impossible rollercoaster. Not a loopy kind, but the kind that goes up and then drops you straight down. But my rollercoaster is completely impossible because the ride up is always shorter than the ride down. I spend so much less time feeling up than I do down anymore...

I'm not writing this to worry anyone (especially you Silvia! Don't add me to that list of your depressed friends!) But I just need to get it off my chest. I think I know what it is or at least I have a good idea. And I'm trying really hard to fight it off, but the only way I feel comfortable hiding it is through avoidance...which will probably just cause me to break down at some point. Hopefully that will be after finals though, that's all I need.

I know how ridiculous this sounds, and I just realized that I'm practically having this conversation with myself, but I don't care. I feel completely apathetic, but at the same time I feel completely passionate about everything...does that make sense? Like, I'm just removing myself so that I don't have to feel it, because it hurts...that's so weak of me.

I haven't the slightest idea what caused this relapse...well that's not completely true. I have ideas, but none of them make sense, which is why I'm a little afraid this isn't going to be some minor, week long thing...I know you have no idea what I'm talking about...don't worry about it.

I'm fighting with my best friend. All the time. I feel terrible about it. I know it's my fault, that I get angry with him for stuff that isn't completely all his fault, but he's the only one I have available to blame things on so I do. It's wrong and I'm sorry. At the same time though...I don't know. Some of it is his fault, and when I try to get upset about those things that I think I might be justified about I just feel guilty. How can I get mad at him, he's here for me, I don't want to isolate him more.

I also found a friend in a place I never thought I would...but it's a shaky friendship, and we'll see how it ends up this time. I'm a little surprised at how many people want me to talk to them about my problems. I'm not sure I understand it, I'm not that great a person. I mean I try, but I rarely succeed.

And this whole entry is just me bitching again...I would delete it, because I don't want to bother you guys, but that would defeat the point of me having written it at all, and I kind of need the therapy of writing.

I'm going home in two days. It may as well be two months, since it hasn't hit me at all. I'm excited, in theory. It sounds great. I'm bringing home a friend, that should be cool. But I'm not excited cuz it still seems like forever away...I think I need my mommy.

My family needs me, I can tell. No one says anything but my sister is having issues and my mom I think knows it and is too afraid to talk about it because that would make it real. I don't think she wants to go through what she went through with me with my sister...but I don't think that's what this is. Her problems are much more situational, more physical. They can be fixed, but I'm not home to fix them, and it hurts because there's not much I can do here for the people who need me.

But I'm going home in 2 days...so maybe I shouldn't worry, I can fix things then I guess...for a while at least, till I leave again.

I don't know why I chose to move so far away. I don't know why I'm here. I'm not sure I deserve to be.

Sorry.

	(Anonymous) 2003-11-24 12:36 (link)
	just remember what we talked about, and that i will always love u... z (Reply to this) (Thread)